DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

A Truth About Mortals

Member since 2002 · Posted 6 Nov 2003 · 7 comments

I see their manufactured smiles Yet rivers flow under ice cold exteriors, I want to carve them a hole And bring their lives to the surface. They are trapped like boxed Russian dolls Layers over layers of painted expressions Glossing over the truth Which is a soul-less darkness. They wear their pin striped polyester suits like skin Respectability covering truth Born from the callused hands of Taiwanese children. From sweatshop to boutique, What we buy is not what we sell. Today I dressed myself in rain Watching the blind find their way again To the tube station, Full of sardines brined from the stress of a missed deadline. I thought to myself I will free myself By wanting to be myself And these are my first steps To be worth remembering.

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 8.00 weighted 5.81 rank 1662 views 369 View voting details →

8 votes so far. Yours would make 9.8 votes so far

7 comments

[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 6-Nov-03/7:00 AM Reply

I can't begin to describe how this poeme made me feel. Mostly like breaking all your fingers so you'd never again write anything like "Today I dressed myself in rain" or "We are primates who swallow the keys of freedom/Performing for others voyeuristic preconceptions".

This isn't a poem, it's pretentious guff with line breaks sprinkled arbitrarily throughout. Maybe you should try reading some real poetry by actual poets next time you're thinking of putting a draft of last year's suicide note through an autoformatter and posting it here.

[n/a] Caducus › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 6-Nov-03/7:25 AM Reply

I am trying to convey that things are not what they seem but can appreciate what you are saying and will dwell on it. If it was someone who hadn't a clue i wouldn't bother - but i respect you so will.

[n/a] Caducus › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 6-Nov-03/7:53 AM Reply

I AGREE ABOUT THE ZOO THING SO HAVE DELETED 3 LINES - THANK YOU OH DARK ONE

[n/a] SupremeDreamer 6-Nov-03/7:44 AM Reply

Well- it bored me, and if this was written to convey that things are not what they seem, you could of written perhaps 4 lines at the most and spared readers from being seriously mislead.

-shrug-

[7] Shuushin 6-Nov-03/8:26 AM Reply

Some really good concepts, like the boxed russian dolls, manufacturing linked with Taiwanese children, sardines brined from stress (sweaty sweaty) - but I think the thing could use a diet, and the meaning wanders a bit, imho (as usual).

for example, the word truth is there a few times too many maybe. Given what is here, ask yourself, again, what point(s) your are trying to make, and make a stab at refocusing it. You may find you have enough trimmings for another poem.

As a final thought - consider changing it to a third person. I know, I know - your poem conveys a personal message of self-definition - but I think you can do that, and hold the readers sympathies better if there is a character involved.

[n/a] deleted user 6-Nov-03/12:05 PM Reply

Only poesyests know the troof.

[8] Shardik 6-Nov-03/1:29 PM Reply

I only believe in a universe of strings, and dull paperbacked escapism.