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A Truth About Mortals (Free verse) by Caducus

I see their manufactured smiles Yet rivers flow under ice cold exteriors, I want to carve them a hole And bring their lives to the surface. They are trapped like boxed Russian dolls Layers over layers of painted expressions Glossing over the truth Which is a soul-less darkness. They wear their pin striped polyester suits like skin Respectability covering truth Born from the callused hands of Taiwanese children. From sweatshop to boutique, What we buy is not what we sell. Today I dressed myself in rain Watching the blind find their way again To the tube station, Full of sardines brined from the stress of a missed deadline. I thought to myself I will free myself By wanting to be myself And these are my first steps To be worth remembering.

Shuushin 6-Nov-03/8:26 AM
Some really good concepts, like the boxed russian dolls, manufacturing linked with Taiwanese children, sardines brined from stress (sweaty sweaty) - but I think the thing could use a diet, and the meaning wanders a bit, imho (as usual).

for example, the word truth is there a few times too many maybe. Given what is here, ask yourself, again, what point(s) your are trying to make, and make a stab at refocusing it. You may find you have enough trimmings for another poem.

As a final thought - consider changing it to a third person. I know, I know - your poem conveys a personal message of self-definition - but I think you can do that, and hold the readers sympathies better if there is a character involved.





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