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Nathan - under the sun (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
(For Nathan 1984-1999) It was bright today, under the sun. nothing was there to say when my friend held the gun chrome barrel pointed to his dome. He chuckled, and kept a smile "let me fly free" a tear strolled while he called out this plea. I watched calmly, "What do you expect on the other side?" "The sea, blue and cold, carressing me" "I bet it would be one hell of a ride." Its bright today, under the sun. nothing was there to say when my friend held the gun chrome barrel pointed to his dome. His eyes rolled as the bullet passed grinning still, silence came after the explosion. It was quite a commotion, blood running into the gutter. People ran, my feet planted to the ground eyes glimpsed as my friend slept within the cement ocean. He looked so peaceful under the sun.

Up the ladder: Slobby Blobby
Down the ladder: Echo On The Rocks

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Weighted score: 5.2384057
Overall Rank: 4016
Posted: October 24, 2003 12:40 AM PDT; Last modified: October 24, 2003 12:40 AM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.170.254 | 24-Oct-03/12:41 AM | Reply
rest in peace.
[8] Shardik @ 24.126.113.154 | 24-Oct-03/1:48 AM | Reply
The end needs to be repaired. Would you like me to do it for you?
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.162.249 > Shardik | 24-Oct-03/3:18 PM | Reply
well, sure, what do you suggest?
[7] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.145.208 | 24-Oct-03/5:54 PM | Reply
Typo in the stanza before last (glimpsed) and peaceful's spelled wrong- unless that was a play on the word full (since his body was emptied of blood). Anyway, I think the rhyme makes this sound like one of your parody pieces, though the words aren't inappropriate or too cliche. You know you can improve this.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.165.98 > http://mulberryfairy | 27-Oct-03/1:30 AM | Reply
errors fixed.

can i improve? indeed- question is, have i done a job i am satisfied of? Yes, the only words presented the only fashion i feel needed to mark nathans tomb, ofcourse the future has surprises a-plenty, so maybe, maybe one day i will improve it.

but not today.
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