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Disillusioned & Confused (Pimple) by Sigh'ense...
An adolescent sculptured by a misled society. With truth I dig myself from a grave Cratered by this world's seemingly moral depriving propriety. I propose a proposition, That propels in opposition To the common definition: Of Life as a young black man on Earth I am no longer a victim Of this planetary system, But a messenger to those who listen. A victor over poisonous curriculum. The difference: I am blessed with deliverance, As a result of my daily considerance. Still, to many just alike drown in ignorance. Contaminated minds, suppressed in psychological shackles, As the fetus of innocence is devoured by hypocritical jackals. Left with a mentality ruptured and spackled With false prospects of our purpose... On purpose! And it is accepted that no light shall surface. So my global siblings remain in darkness, Filthily dissolved... Unable to decipher health from harm, As if to be young in life is to crippled... To put it simple. Da1 Osborne

Up the ladder: OneLongDay
Down the ladder: A picture of a thought

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 8129
Posted: July 30, 2002 3:54 PM PDT; Last modified: February 4, 2009 8:06 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 30-Jul-02/4:15 PM | Reply
your comments reflect very little talent as compared to the power and beauty of this poem.maybe you have two beaks. unusual.odd.quail. anyway very thought provoking dal. go on wich-your-bad-ass-shelf.nice 'hoof'
[n/a] Sigh'ense... @ | 30-Jul-02/4:31 PM | Reply
I truly appreciate the critque Horus.
Good lookin', and stay up.

Da1
[8] shwenatjadeflower @ 68.12.149.5 | 31-Jul-02/5:25 PM | Reply
umm...i don't really know what to say other that "this is good" so...keep up the good work
[n/a] Sigh'ense... @ | 7-Aug-02/1:07 PM | Reply
Good lookin,. thanks for the supportive action... Da1
[2] poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.87 | 27-Aug-02/10:53 PM | Reply
This poem, excuse me lyric, has some seriously confused images and lines. And some lines I actually like. Poisonous curriculum is good, but what exactly is "cerebral tuberculosis?" Plus, I get the feeling you sat down with a thesaurus and plagued the poem, excuse me again, lyric, with unneeded syllables.
[n/a] Sigh'ense... @ | 28-Aug-02/8:35 PM | Reply
Thankx 4 the critique. and I look forward top more of your analysis...
[5] nentwined @ 75.83.196.201 | 5-Mar-09/9:40 PM | Reply
angsty and doesn't scan well.

nit: "to many just" -> "too many just" (I think?)

I really like "the fetus of innocence is devoured by hypocritical jackals". I could do with that metaphor being developed further throughout. As it is, things feel scattershot. I'm not too into collage, visually or poetically.
[5] nentwined @ 75.83.196.201 > nentwined | 5-Mar-09/9:41 PM | Reply
disregard "angsty", I guess--just noticed it's a pimple. You hit the mood spot on, there. ;)
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