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Love has been awoke. (edited, needs new title) (Free verse) by TheVoiceless
Away at college, My love. To whom I never confessed, To far gone to hold within these loving arms. Caress her day by day. Years we “dated”, Hell we even mated. But I… I couldn’t say a thing. Does that mean it was a sexual thing? Cause hardly ever did we express, A pen and paper always around was stress. Feeling all alone, Sitting in wait by the phone. I may be mute but not deaf! Will you never call, that being questioned? Heartbreak is setting in, feeling its pain. The slow trickle of organs overheating, Insides like a snow cone melting in summer’s day. You reached and touched with a frosting freeze, Making again solid my heart and chest with ridged silk. Today was the day the phone finally rang. To ear I held it, listening to you breath. Then finally after silences wait, you spoke. This letting known you’re still in reach. Fears now dormant in hibernation. Love has been awoken, but not spoken. What a great thing a voice could be.

Up the ladder: Nothing
Down the ladder: False Reality

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 3.3333333
Weighted score: 4.8013287
Overall Rank: 11098
Posted: September 13, 2003 2:25 AM PDT; Last modified: September 15, 2003 2:44 AM PDT
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Comments:
[4] baphomet @ 24.126.113.154 | 13-Sep-03/3:55 AM | Reply
truthfully this is probly the worst poem
i have seen of you
try harder.
[4] baphomet @ 24.126.113.154 | 13-Sep-03/3:56 AM | Reply
truthfully this is probly the worst poem
i have seen of you
try harder.
[n/a] TheVoiceless @ 216.248.118.212 > baphomet | 13-Sep-03/10:47 AM | Reply
It wasn't ment to be good. Only to inform. I won't even have it up long. I'll change it into something more my norm before to long.
[n/a] TheVoiceless @ 216.248.118.212 > baphomet | 13-Sep-03/4:31 PM | Reply
There it's been changed from the informative to poetic. Whole different subject. But its still nothing major for me, its messing something I just can't see what.
[n/a] suprembeaner @ 24.126.113.154 > TheVoiceless | 13-Sep-03/5:03 PM | Reply
is it
its messing...
or you meant
its missing...
imust know.
3char1per
[n/a] TheVoiceless @ 206.72.7.9 > suprembeaner | 15-Sep-03/1:57 AM | Reply
Missing. Little typo seems everyone has those at times.
[n/a] suprembeaner @ 24.126.113.154 | 13-Sep-03/5:00 PM | Reply
its better then the last poem.
3char1per
[3] nentwined @ 66.92.183.34 | 14-Sep-03/6:44 PM | Reply
certainly you've removed the informative. somewhat. your imagery has me solidly confused (a black lump of oxygenated carbon). I can't really feel "a snow cone melting on summer's day" (hmm; nitpick: it should either be "in summer's day" or "on a summer's day"). I can feel "a slow trickle of organs", but don't think it has the tone you're going for? [[rather sublime and gross it is, an interesting idea, but... out of place]]

really don't get what a "frosting freeze" would be. or what's reaching and what's being touched.

("to far gone" should be "too far gone")

the second stanza has seeds of something, if there was a better flow to it; and the last stanza brings it crashing down, in my opinion. done done done.
[n/a] TheVoiceless @ 206.72.7.9 > nentwined | 15-Sep-03/1:54 AM | Reply
Now that... That is the type of comment that I like to see. I could careless about the votes. Sure they're nice to see, but don't mean near as much.

Good poems don't always need big comments. But if they made the reader think something then say it. Or gave you an idea yourself, the same.

I'm rambling, I however do thank you. I'm going to copy this comment and read it a few times. Ofcorse I'm going to be rewriting my poem while reading the comment. I give you a 10 on your comment. :)
[3] Garrett S Sexton @ 81.131.217.193 | 15-Sep-03/2:46 PM | Reply
Young stupid girl love poem. I hate em, all the same, shame. Give me some originality or some FUCKING pixies.{still you and other lonely girls like em so hey 3}
[n/a] TheVoiceless @ 216.248.118.201 > Garrett S Sexton | 16-Sep-03/4:29 AM | Reply
I don't think you're judgement was fair by any means. Look at the form of art. Don't look at it in a "I'm manly man and hate all stupid girl love poems."

I think I did a fine job of potraying the thoughts, the feeling and making you see how someone without a voice would see these happenings. Think how you would feel if you were mute then see the art at hand.

Not saying it's the best... but its far better than a 3.
But hey I'm handicapt so why shouldn't my scores be too, right?
[3] Garrett S Sexton @ 213.122.76.44 > TheVoiceless | 16-Sep-03/8:59 AM | Reply
I didn't make you or break you, so why should I feel sorry for your poetry. I am guilty of nothing except giving you my honest opinion.

Stop beating yo-self up, concentrate on ya positive side.

P.S. IT'S HANDICAPPED, AND THE POEM IS STILL SHITE.
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