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Peach (Revision) (Free verse) by http://mulberryfairy
I. I walked away uncertainly, thinking “I guess that was that.” Returning to the rental car of our recklessness I contemplatively began eating the peach you gave me. Ripe and spectacular as those of the NC foothills, (where we both chopped away our thick roots years ago to tread away with our new spouses and degrees) the peach burst its clear juices down my chin and arm. Leaning unsteadily out of the car I tried to avoid dripping on the velour, while capturing those escaping beads, unwilling to let the flavor be lost. I finished the peach with an appreciative gulp enthusiastically casting the pit into the bushes. I would tell you later how I may have planted a peach sapling (like the peach trees that grow, unappreciated and unfertilized, in landfills) in the state of NY in commemoration of our fruitful affair. II. I starved, remembering the sweetness for two painfully dragging days before I relished the eating of the second peach. I cradled its juicily fragile flesh in one hand while unpacking, afraid to abandon it for a moment and leave it vulnerable to have husband or child stake a claim. I stole away with it, to taste in privacy as I suspected, it was just as decadent and consummate as the first. I devoured it selfishly, remorselessly.

Up the ladder: The Love Poem
Down the ladder: Love in the Tropics

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.4
Weighted score: 5.286087
Overall Rank: 3727
Posted: September 1, 2003 8:26 AM PDT; Last modified: September 6, 2003 4:14 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] SupremeDreamer @ 69.19.182.186 | 1-Sep-03/10:01 AM | Reply
Ok, i like the idea, but i think you could have better crafted this into one poem with a much stronger impact.

doing the fancy splitting up didnt offer anything but a bad handicap to your poem. 8 for this one.
[n/a] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.146.181 > SupremeDreamer | 1-Sep-03/10:21 AM | Reply
Yeah, I know. I just split it up because I figured it was too long to get anyone to read it in its original form- but those breaks sort of presented themselves. Anyhow, I am feeling a little too romantic (high) to come up with any quality poetry today.
[8] SupremeDreamer @ 69.19.182.186 > http://mulberryfairy | 1-Sep-03/10:31 AM | Reply
It had quality, you simply gave too much of a shit about readers who suddenly run from a poem that is a bit long..

bad excuse. If its too long, i suggest: tighten the poem to a shorter output, not to make it short, but to strengthen the delivery of the emotion in the poem.

if your really romanitc, you need to put passion into it.. I WANT RESULTS BECAUSE YOUR DAMNED POEM IS WORTH THE EFFORT.

heh.
[n/a] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.144.91 > SupremeDreamer | 1-Sep-03/11:33 AM | Reply
You are like one of those beefy personal trainers shouting "No pain No gain" at their trainees. (I mean this in the most affectionate way possible). Anyway, it is Labor Day, and I am lazy, so I will not be adding passion or energy to this poem today.
[8] SupremeDreamer @ 69.19.182.186 > http://mulberryfairy | 1-Sep-03/12:15 PM | Reply
blasphemy!!!!! AHHH! bah, oki doki, just do it at one point or another. damn it.
[n/a] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.146.59 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Sep-03/7:54 AM | Reply
So, I revised it a bit, but don't get your hopes up.
[9] abecedarian @ 4.40.32.229 | 1-Sep-03/10:08 AM | Reply
The end of this poem is really nice: how the narrator's self-conscious claim of remoreselessness actual reveals guilt (if not about secreting away the peach, then certainly about not feeling guilty about stealing away the peach).
[n/a] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.146.181 > abecedarian | 1-Sep-03/10:23 AM | Reply
I think the "guilt" you detect is more like the narrator's awareness that she SHOULD feel guilty- she knows she's selfish, but she is happy about her choices.
[10] peaceseeker @ 24.198.66.113 | 1-Sep-03/2:23 PM | Reply
No offense, but is remorselessly a word?
One question: are you in love?
[n/a] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.144.55 > peaceseeker | 1-Sep-03/6:41 PM | Reply
Yeah, the narrator probably is in love by your standards (I love you/I hate you Mr. Vegan Chef man).
[10] peaceseeker @ 24.198.66.113 > http://mulberryfairy | 2-Sep-03/9:13 AM | Reply
Oooo the truth comes out!!
By my standards for love, in and of itself, you are in love. With whom? And how do your standards for love differ?
[n/a] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.145.158 > peaceseeker | 2-Sep-03/10:34 AM | Reply
No offense, but unlike yourself, I know the difference between sex and love- and here, the poem is definitely more about sex than love- which is not to say that there is no loving sentiment toward the other adulterer on the part of the narrator.
[10] peaceseeker @ 24.198.66.113 | 1-Sep-03/2:30 PM | Reply
I love the imagery here. I really felt this one.
Was the desire to have something delicious all to yourself?
[n/a] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.144.55 > peaceseeker | 1-Sep-03/6:42 PM | Reply
To have the something "delicious" to oneself, and to keep the naughty secret.
[10] peaceseeker @ 24.198.66.113 > http://mulberryfairy | 2-Sep-03/9:17 AM | Reply
What does keeping the "naughty secret" accomplish? In my experience, pleasure shared is pleasure multiplied.
[10] peaceseeker @ 24.198.66.113 > http://mulberryfairy | 2-Sep-03/9:21 AM | Reply
Wait, is the naughty secret pleasurable to keep, or painful. You know me - black or white? I wonder if tasting the delicious fruit is your way of counteracting the pain of the secret. . .
(all under fictious terms, of course).
[9] abecedarian @ 164.67.82.153 > http://mulberryfairy | 2-Sep-03/11:51 AM | Reply
If she had been given a large bag of peaches (enough to share) I wonder would she have hid them all away or if she would share.
[n/a] <~> @ 64.252.166.116 | 1-Sep-03/8:17 PM | Reply
even though it was a nectarine?
[n/a] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.145.158 > <~> | 2-Sep-03/10:37 AM | Reply
As a matter of fact, in terms of genetics and agriculture, the word peach is often used interchangeably with nectarine because the only differences are the smooth versus fuzzy skin, the nectarine's darker color, and the stronger flavor. Metaphor that non-fiction!
[9] EAger to Offend @ 65.95.240.61 | 8-Sep-03/7:40 AM | Reply
It's better as a single piece, of course. My only real complaint is your over-use of "ly" words. Apply that creativity to finding new adverbs!
Good work.
Good call, I didn't even notice until you said it. I will certainly, contemplatively, seriously and harshly take a reluctantly adversarial look at my adverb problem.
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