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Loss (Free verse) by justjay
Anguish, feeling lust in a world unknown. Pain, it burns inside. Desire for someone. Voices are heard but no one is seen. Feeling pain come at a single moment, knocking you off balance. Meaningful words turn to nothing; Actions are unconfirmed. Going to the point when you, just don't care about anything. Knowing that nothing cares about you. You crawl to a place to hide, but even there is unsafe. And you know there is only one answer, unfortunately it can be misleading. Back to nothing. Alone in a whirl of self-pity. Feeling trapped. . . . Looking for away to break loose. Lost in a single entity, which bears to nothing and no one. Loss

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Arithmetic Mean: 2.3333333
Weighted score: 4.6821256
Overall Rank: 12146
Posted: August 10, 2003 1:02 PM PDT; Last modified: August 10, 2003 1:02 PM PDT
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Comments:
[5] Caducus @ 62.105.119.105 | 11-Aug-03/2:30 AM | Reply
This is more like a mass of teen angst thought processes weaved in to a poem. The end is too general and I wanted to see more imagination. Its not terrible its just formulaic, routine stuff. Try working with a few metaphors and add a bit more imagination and less cliche. *5*
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