TOP TIPS FOR POEMRANKERS

1. Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. 2. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in scotch tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. 3. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage will be removed. 4. Save on alcohol by drinking cold tea instead. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of liquid detergent and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. 5. When out driving, always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right. 6. Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help. 7. Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control. 8. Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. 9. Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving door. 10. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. 11. Keep monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom. 12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. 13. When competing in the Olympics, disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. 14. Avoid embarrassment after tripping in the street by repeating the movement several times to make it seem like part of your normal behaviour. 15. Don't post plagiarised old jokes from shitty comics. You might get wanker wings.