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Playa been caught in their games. (revised/new) (Other) by LuckyJoe
Running your games, To bad we’re not all the same. Wanted this so bad, A chance you had. Tried to play on me, Now I’m gone see. At home alone you cry, Filled with pity wanting to die. Tears flow from sorrowful eyes, Pity you got caught between your lies. Thinking of the ways I mesmerize, Now I’m only filled with despise. Games didn’t work well, Now your heart begins to swell. You were the player, Understand I’m the slayer Play on, I’m gone. *********** Heavy crit please. I never write with rhyme so I'd like to know how I did and what needs to be fixed. Just wanted to try something I never do see if I could shape my skills any. ************ The rhyming thing didn't work. Wanted something different so here is what I wrote to some what fit the title. Its going to be sore on your eyes, I wrote it in five minutes. Have to jump in the shower and head off to work. Here it is... ************ Heart stops cracking like thin ice stressed with worry, Where to hide this franticly searching, Vision masked with smog everything now blurry, Outside your door stands the man you love, Inside your bed a naked love toy lays, About to fall to knees break down over weighted, Pleasure given to your heart by his touch, Play these games for the thrill of winning, Prove to yourself how easily you can master your lies. Games about to end, another knock on the door. Heart pounding, chest contracting you’re surrounded, Sweating now consumed with thoughts of him leaving. Why play your games if you don’t want to lose, Begin to cry a million memories flash before your eyes. Another knock, traumatic froze by the shock. Can’t open the door you’ll be found out, Won’t risk your loving finding out you’re a whore, Begin to bawl, upon knees to the door you crawl, Open the door hoping for forgiveness, No chance one glance tells it all. Been caught in your game, thinks never again to be the same. Stomach curls going to be sick…was it all worth a little dick?

Down the ladder: The Missing Piece

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.6666665
Weighted score: 5.1986713
Overall Rank: 4566
Posted: August 10, 2003 12:35 PM PDT; Last modified: August 10, 2003 8:02 PM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] Shardik @ 24.126.113.154 | 10-Aug-03/4:00 PM | Reply
I would add a penny and a monkey named Lenny, Spruce.
[5] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.146.163 | 10-Aug-03/6:57 PM | Reply
Line 2: change to - "too"
Line 8: wanting to dry what, her eyes? too forced
Line 12: despise seems forced too, it is a verb, after all, and you are using it as a noun for an emotion.

I am not a rhyming poet myself, so I can't really talk, but the rhyming poems that are most enjoyable to me don't have lines that all end with one syllable words, those rhymes are too obvious and predictable, and they halt the lyrical flow of the words. It doesn't seem like rhyming poetry is going to be your strongest area, at this point.
[n/a] LuckyJoe @ 216.248.118.192 > http://mulberryfairy | 10-Aug-03/7:46 PM | Reply
Thanks for the comment and I agree. I thought the same thing about despise myself. Was going to change it but didn't know to what. I saw dry when I read it over and didn't fix it it was ment to be die... but still doesn't fit. *shrugs don't write when you wake up make all sorts of silly mistakes*

Will have to do some editing... but this piece of crap is here to stay due to not being able to write something that fits the title. Again I thank you mulberry :) Have a nice night.
[5] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.146.163 > LuckyJoe | 10-Aug-03/7:58 PM | Reply
You're welcome. What would this poem have been like if you hadn't been experimenting w/ rhyme but you kept the same subject. Maybe you could replace it with that poem that would be more natural for you.
[n/a] LuckyJoe @ 216.248.118.243 > http://mulberryfairy | 10-Aug-03/8:27 PM | Reply
Take a look now... I did that right after posting the reply to your comment the first time. Great minds think a like...hehe
[5] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.145.128 > LuckyJoe | 11-Aug-03/7:36 AM | Reply
Yes, much improved, a few typos in there, but definitely better. See BabaYaga's comment below though about the love toy, that doesn't work for me. I have a decent (I think) affair poem too, check it out, it is called "8:45am dentist appointment".
[n/a] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.126.113.154 | 11-Aug-03/12:16 AM | Reply
Sore on the eyes huh? You should see what it did to my tissue collection.

"Inside your bed a naked love toy lays,
About to fall to knees break down over weighted,"

Okay, bear with me here. Is it just me? Or do others see an obese housewife accidentilly bottoming out on a giant 5 speed nob veined vibrator?".
I hear you, I have "naked" love toys, but they are battery powered.
[n/a] LuckyJoe @ 206.72.7.44 > <{Baba^Yaga}> | 11-Aug-03/8:06 AM | Reply
Hard on the tissue collection laughing so hard you were crying?
I see what you were saying... but thats by no means where I was going with it...lol
[n/a] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 > LuckyJoe | 11-Aug-03/11:56 AM | Reply
Please, where you were going with it? There is no perplexing riddle to the theme or this poems point. It's your classic under loved housewife/or unmarried longterm girlfriend/lied to mistress blues coupled by the inevitable 'and all this love you gave away for what in return revelation?'. There's nothing to it. Nothing new. You should get risky and write it from the other person's perspective. And I wasn't crying I was doing the Jerk. So what does that leave you with? lol.
[n/a] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 25-Aug-03/11:52 AM | Reply
You are incredibly to nigger for me.
[n/a] LuckyJoe @ 216.248.118.216 > horus8 | 25-Aug-03/4:28 PM | Reply
And how was any of this niggerish? You're comments never make any sense...
[n/a] Jeremi B. Handrinos @ 24.126.113.154 > LuckyJoe | 25-Aug-03/5:55 PM | Reply
How does that not make sense? Look it up.
[n/a] LuckyJoe @ 216.248.118.216 > Jeremi B. Handrinos | 26-Aug-03/9:39 AM | Reply
Still missing the point. Somehow by my writing he thinks that I myself am a vulgarity, or a disparaging member of society. Still not making any sense, how can he judge ME based upon my writing. If he wants to judge my writing he may do so all he wants, but don’t judge me because of my writing. If the writing has no events containing that of my own life then judging me based upon how you view my writing seems selfish, childish, and ignorant.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 81.128.133.52 > LuckyJoe | 26-Aug-03/10:02 AM | Reply
From your WRITING, it is my judgement that YOU cannot write and are probably thick.
[10] capachijim @ 24.168.25.13 | 7-May-04/6:01 PM | Reply
very expressive and real, for once in poemranker history
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