DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

marriage

Member since 2003 · Posted 2 Aug 2003 · 3 comments

I was trying to hear the tiny noises In a confined room~ Distracted by the remembrance Of a dream Where the choices rang like bells~ Yes, I knew him, he was Like Pavlov's dogs when she smiled. The church now rings its knell His finest day is done.... She smiling in a virgin's gown Her crimson smile; A bitter frown. The next ten years are hell All of it came to me in that box ~the wild ticking of clocks.

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5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

3 comments

[8] http://mulberryfairy 2-Aug-03/11:55 AM Reply

Good job, I like the way the shift from happiness to doom seems so quick, like in real life marriages. I don't think "knell" works there as knell is a kind of sound more than something you can ring. Saying smile and smiling two lines in a row was a little too close together.

[n/a] bearhead › http://mulberryfairy 2-Aug-03/12:08 PM Reply

"The church's noon bells sound like a death knell....
His finest day is done......
She vivid in a virgin's gown"

Any better? Thanks for the critique.

[8] http://mulberryfairy › bearhead 2-Aug-03/7:20 PM Reply

I think it's better, I could see your dilemma of whether to write bells and knells in the same phrase, but this works.