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marriage (Free verse) by bearhead
I was trying to hear the tiny noises In a confined room~ Distracted by the remembrance Of a dream Where the choices rang like bells~ Yes, I knew him, he was Like Pavlov's dogs when she smiled. The church now rings its knell His finest day is done.... She smiling in a virgin's gown Her crimson smile; A bitter frown. The next ten years are hell All of it came to me in that box ~the wild ticking of clocks.

Up the ladder: Little Somethings
Down the ladder: Night Terrors

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 7669
Posted: August 2, 2003 10:20 AM PDT; Last modified: August 2, 2003 10:20 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.144.82 | 2-Aug-03/11:55 AM | Reply
Good job, I like the way the shift from happiness to doom seems so quick, like in real life marriages. I don't think "knell" works there as knell is a kind of sound more than something you can ring. Saying smile and smiling two lines in a row was a little too close together.
[n/a] bearhead @ 204.111.21.69 > http://mulberryfairy | 2-Aug-03/12:08 PM | Reply
"The church's noon bells sound like a death knell....
His finest day is done......
She vivid in a virgin's gown"

Any better? Thanks for the critique.
[8] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.145.192 > bearhead | 2-Aug-03/7:20 PM | Reply
I think it's better, I could see your dilemma of whether to write bells and knells in the same phrase, but this works.
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