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A Lack of Care (Free verse) by William J. Mitchell I enter the room and I feel
Pain grabs hold of my
Heart and soul grow
Numb to the abuse that happens to our own.
Spit us out, because we can't
Love is all we really need to
Give every Sunday and we can
Ignore those who sit beside us.
Let's Go! Let's Go!
Bolivia, Kenya, and Mexico
Travel the world and heal its pain
At least you will not have to worry about a real responsibility to the
hurt.
She sits alone and claps her hands
A Rich Mullins song brings her comfort
Inside she's hurting but you need to respect the pastor
Sit and listen, sit and listen.
Behind the closed doors of God's house we lock in the hurt
And embrace a joy that does not exist.
Up the ladder:
Reaching Out
Down the ladder:
There can be only one
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.5
Posted: July 31, 2003 9:36 PM PDT; Last modified: July 31, 2003 9:36 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.8276463 Overall Rank: 361 Comments:
[7]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
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1-Aug-03/1:35 AM
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Reply
I'm going to ask you whether or not my critique is worth your time. Too fucking bad. Here it is... Your poem is interesting and closes well, but your structure is really unreadable and off kilter, grammarilly and metricly speaking. Here's a 7. Enjoy your stay.
I had just figured out what you were doing in the first and second stanzas with the first word when you switched back to the more linear form. I think if you are going to go with that interesting style you should go all the way. But, I wouldn't necessarily advise you going with the style of the 1st and 2nd stanzas- too annoying to read. The message is good.
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