Poemranker [Poem: The Umpteenth Home] [by EAger to Offend] Thu Nov 21 06:23:22 PST 2024

[7] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.182.9 | 13-Jul-03/6:09 PM | Reply

The only critique I have for your writing is the dearth of concrete imagery. Something to bite into, the juice streaming out in molten arcs.

[7] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.182.9 > Bill Z Bub | 13-Jul-03/8:29 PM | Reply

I want to assure you I meant that in a completely humble, non-arrogant way. Take every comment I make with a grain of salt, because I am highly uneducated.
My post-secondary education consisted of Art school. As for the English language and grammar, and literature and poetic devices and meter and such, I am mostly self taught.
Oops, I just blew my cover! The gig is up! You'll never take me alive, copper! Nyaaah!

[n/a] EAger to Offend @ 204.225.154.253 > Bill Z Bub | 14-Jul-03/12:07 PM | Reply

I've taken no offence. In fact I've come here for education and don't intend to spurn your help. "Molten arcs" is fantastic by the way and I'm presently working on a poem using arc as an electric/emotional term. Now I have to one-up you on the "molten".

[8] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 24.209.21.223 | 14-Jul-03/9:27 AM | Reply

Vague poem, I like the second line alot. -8-

[n/a] EAger to Offend @ 204.225.154.253 > thepinkbunnyofdoom | 14-Jul-03/12:12 PM | Reply

Thanx for the comment and the 8. If you read A BRAND NEW EYE you will understand why it must be vague. Only, I wish that some one would take the stab to deciphering it. I want to know if my abstractions can be translated. Ultimately, if they can't then I have failed and must try again.

[8] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 24.209.21.223 > EAger to Offend | 14-Jul-03/4:16 PM | Reply

Here is my rewrite

When I was born,
a child only dreamed of,
mearly a lust that couldn't be filled,
that dream was forgotten when I was brought into this world
I was loved before and even more after I was born, Again

[8] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.176.182 | 14-Jul-03/11:08 PM | Reply

Solid piece. 8.