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Watching Time Slip Away (Free verse) by kassanna I searched inside my silence
For something to say
As I painfully watched
Our time slip away
Time that we lost
By letting things change
Never enough...
Never enough time.
As the remaining grains of sand
Slip down the hour glass of life
I am sorry that alone
I longed for our time to return
And seemingly stand ever so still
As it once did.
While we were discovering
Each others heart
And all the hidden places In our wanting souls.
Knowing time that is allowed
Helps season love
I became obsessed
With a passionate wish
That ours would not grow tired
Weary of waiting.
But it sadly became lost
In two separate worlds
Perhaps sacrificed
For a forgotten cause.
Not enough time
To fill the heart and mind
With memories made too brief
Not enough time
For the birth of new ones
To bring joyous relief.
Time will never erase
This memory of so little time
Nor ease the pain
Of having needed more
To keep this love from fading
Forever more.
*
You know I'll always love you
To my own death's door
It will only seemingly fade...
Forever more.
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I like this poem but I could use a little help in puncuation..When I was
writing it..it made perfect sense...now I'm not so sure...any
suggestions?
Up the ladder:
The Truth of Death
Down the ladder:
Slay the Dragon
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.3333335
Posted: June 6, 2003 12:44 PM PDT; Last modified: June 6, 2003 12:44 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9205313 Overall Rank: 9435 Comments:
1. "Slip down the hour glass of life" change down to through.
2. hourglass, is one word. 3. "Each others heart" Each-other's. 4. my suggestion is pull the poem into tight stanzas, use commas and periods, or capitals or lowercase to show sentence and thought seperation. Do not space. Make it like 4 to 6 stanzas. And remove the stuff at the bottom, because, we are already aware that you need guidance. Try not to start your sentences with and or but, and ignore the fact that I do it all the time. Remove the asterick. Make your title a sentence, don't capitalize each word, and there you have it. Oh, try to use words that are a tad bit rarer than the nouns, verbs and adjectives you are using now, check your thesaurus. For instance " Not enough time To fill the heart and mind With memories made too brief" This could be said like this; There is never enough time to ease a heart or mind as memories displace remembering. 138 view(s)
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many
spaces
can't
read
properly
must
stop