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Watching Time Slip Away (Free verse) by kassanna

I searched inside my silence For something to say As I painfully watched Our time slip away Time that we lost By letting things change Never enough... Never enough time. As the remaining grains of sand Slip down the hour glass of life I am sorry that alone I longed for our time to return And seemingly stand ever so still As it once did. While we were discovering Each others heart And all the hidden places In our wanting souls. Knowing time that is allowed Helps season love I became obsessed With a passionate wish That ours would not grow tired Weary of waiting. But it sadly became lost In two separate worlds Perhaps sacrificed For a forgotten cause. Not enough time To fill the heart and mind With memories made too brief Not enough time For the birth of new ones To bring joyous relief. Time will never erase This memory of so little time Nor ease the pain Of having needed more To keep this love from fading Forever more. * You know I'll always love you To my own death's door It will only seemingly fade... Forever more. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- I like this poem but I could use a little help in puncuation..When I was writing it..it made perfect sense...now I'm not so sure...any suggestions?

horus8 6-Jun-03/5:04 PM
1. "Slip down the hour glass of life" change down to through.

2. hourglass, is one word.

3. "Each others heart" Each-other's.

4. my suggestion is pull the poem into tight stanzas, use commas and periods, or capitals or lowercase to show sentence and thought seperation. Do not space. Make it like 4 to 6 stanzas. And remove the stuff at the bottom, because, we are already aware that you need guidance. Try not to start your sentences with and or but, and ignore the fact that I do it all the time. Remove the asterick. Make your title a sentence, don't capitalize each word, and there you have it. Oh, try to use words that are a tad bit rarer than the nouns, verbs and adjectives you are using now, check your thesaurus. For instance "


Not enough time

To fill the heart and mind

With memories made too brief"

This could be said like this;
There is never enough time
to ease a heart or mind
as memories displace remembering.




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