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Vespers and Cobwebs (Free verse) by Bluesee
Absent a life in Victorian docility Where only chance meetings in courtyard affairs With a flick of a fan An assumption of airs And a turn of the head are the sole precipices from which a Heart leaps Accepting that one sometimes only gets glimpses Infrequent and fleeting Sometimes without meeting An unfinished sketch of an unvarnished piece Not of oil, but pastel Not mahogany, teak Still knowing the pace of this realm in this era Admits not of the patient but persistent course Of the river in Summer still sculpting the sands 'til a sprout will take root 'til it blossoms with fruit 'til it gives back that Love So transforming the lands Still my heart will not listen And to not give it rein Makes it buck, rear, and snort So I give it its head And it chases the plains And it takes me back then to a long time ago As I sift through the sketches I create you at will But leave no bauble foundered Yet some still cannot stand in the sculpture I've borrowed from the moments we've shared And the secrets I've stolen When your guise was unguarded Lend a hue to my picture Weave a thread through your fabric And then I create you Of vespers and cobwebs I do my heart's bidding I give my heart rein And my heart wants your Two Hearts The Good and the Bold The Happy and Chained To release and uphold To the Light up Above To relax, bathed in Love For it knows these things Sure There was never a maiden with motives as pure Who delighted in less than a Love Promised True... ...and never a chance though so frightening Less so than the fate that becomes of an honest wish left unspoken

Up the ladder: Quiet
Down the ladder: Billie's Threnody

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.888889
Weighted score: 4.9444447
Overall Rank: 8996
Posted: July 15, 2002 9:08 AM PDT; Last modified: July 15, 2002 9:08 AM PDT
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Comments:
[5] deleted user @ 24.199.93.49 | 15-Jul-02/9:11 AM | Reply
Halting, stumbling, scans well at times, definite talent here, needs some polish, and a better use of meter and line. If you're going to scan and rhyme, make it scan and rhyme for all the sections.
[6] deleted user @ 141.154.247.21 | 15-Jul-02/9:36 AM | Reply
Lots and lots of talent here. Agree with the structure issues of previous comment. Also, could this be shorter and deliver the same message, still standing on its own feet?
[n/a] Bluesee @ | 15-Jul-02/11:28 AM | Reply
Thanks for reading and critiquing my first submittal...

I don't really have any formal training. What is scan? And I suppose that I could shorten it, but I have always cast off considerations of meter and 'rules', and focussed on the process of incubation, contemplation, inspiration and then determination. You know, lock the doors, light a candle, and then see what it becomes. Maybe I could consider editing it, but somehow the process of editing is revisionist to me. Oy!

Thanks again for your honest input. Maybe this site can help make me a better writer
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