DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

the salt shaker

Member since 2003 · Posted 17 Mar 2003 · Edited 17 Mar 2003 · 10 comments

Your tears were so salty, I drank a glass or two. They burned all the way down. They rested in my stomach, eating at the lining. Your tears were so sad, I wanted to drink them all. To take away your pain. I wanted another glass or two.

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 7.00 weighted 5.54 rank 2526 views 191 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

10 comments

[n/a] lastobelus 17-Mar-03/3:37 PM Reply

better. I like it.

one thing jars for me: "eating away the lining" The image of drinking tears is quite vivid for me, and plausible enough that I want to imagine it being true, that you do literally drink the tears. I want to put myself in the poem and vicariously feel the salt burning my throat. But then, if they ate away the lining of your stomach, you'd be dead and unable to have written the poem. By being TOO strong, it disassociates me, throws me out of the poem. See what I mean? If I were editing this poem, I would change away to at, "eating at the lining". Then I can still vicariously experience it.

Lots of people might disagree with me though, some people like their images and metaphors as over-the-top as you can make 'em.

[n/a] elizabethann › lastobelus 17-Mar-03/3:41 PM Reply

thanks for the tip - i like "eating at the lining" better than what i had before.

[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. › lastobelus 18-Mar-03/8:26 AM Reply

I'm pretty sure you can survive without a stomach lining. It grows back. In fact, it might be a fact that following sev'ral eruptions of sick, you lose quite a bit of stomach lining, and merely the husk remains.

[n/a] lastobelus › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 18-Mar-03/8:54 AM Reply

After sev'ral eruptions of sick
stomach linings become most un-thick
who cares if it's true
my point to construe
requires you to not be such a prick!

...and if you were REALLY clever you'd spar with me in limericks ;)

[8] horus8 17-Mar-03/4:05 PM Reply

But can you play the marimba naked?

[8] rockinindividual 18-Mar-03/4:51 AM Reply

mmm thats such an interesting idea. i love it. 8

[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 18-Mar-03/8:29 AM Reply

Great idea to have someone drinking someone's tears! And so original, too! Thanks for felching it onto poemeranker! 10/10!

[8] deleted user 31-Mar-03/2:53 PM Reply

good stuff, i think its better then your poem "sexy", i give it a 7

[8] deleted user › deleted user 31-Mar-03/2:54 PM Reply

sorry there, i ment 8

[9] validus_vox 24-Apr-04/3:00 PM Reply

powerful and full of emotion. solid structure that gives me a strong sense of breaks and the intended rhythm...peace

mike

ps: if you didnt know, im the dude who IMed you earlier