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the salt shaker (Free verse) by elizabethann Your tears were so
salty, I drank a glass
or two. They burned
all the way down.
They rested in my stomach,
eating at the
lining.
Your tears were so
sad, I wanted to drink them
all. To take away
your pain.
I wanted another glass
or two.
Up the ladder:
where is thy sting?
Down the ladder:
Where's heaven?
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: March 17, 2003 1:37 PM PST; Last modified: March 17, 2003 3:40 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.537883 Overall Rank: 2528 Comments:
But can you play the marimba naked?
mmm thats such an interesting idea. i love it. 8
Great idea to have someone drinking someone's tears! And so original, too! Thanks for felching it onto poemeranker! 10/10!
good stuff, i think its better then your poem "sexy", i give it a 7
sorry there, i ment 8
powerful and full of emotion. solid structure that gives me a strong sense of breaks and the intended rhythm...peace
mike ps: if you didnt know, im the dude who IMed you earlier 191 view(s)
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one thing jars for me: "eating away the lining" The image of drinking tears is quite vivid for me, and plausible enough that I want to imagine it being true, that you do literally drink the tears. I want to put myself in the poem and vicariously feel the salt burning my throat. But then, if they ate away the lining of your stomach, you'd be dead and unable to have written the poem. By being TOO strong, it disassociates me, throws me out of the poem. See what I mean? If I were editing this poem, I would change away to at, "eating at the lining". Then I can still vicariously experience it.
Lots of people might disagree with me though, some people like their images and metaphors as over-the-top as you can make 'em.
stomach linings become most un-thick
who cares if it's true
my point to construe
requires you to not be such a prick!
...and if you were REALLY clever you'd spar with me in limericks ;)