Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 16:24:13 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

the salt shaker (Free verse) by elizabethann

Your tears were so salty, I drank a glass or two. They burned all the way down. They rested in my stomach, eating at the lining. Your tears were so sad, I wanted to drink them all. To take away your pain. I wanted another glass or two.

lastobelus

17-Mar-03/3:37 PM

better. I like it.

one thing jars for me: "eating away the lining" The image of drinking tears is quite vivid for me, and plausible enough that I want to imagine it being true, that you do literally drink the tears. I want to put myself in the poem and vicariously feel the salt burning my throat. But then, if they ate away the lining of your stomach, you'd be dead and unable to have written the poem. By being TOO strong, it disassociates me, throws me out of the poem. See what I mean? If I were editing this poem, I would change away to at, "eating at the lining". Then I can still vicariously experience it.

Lots of people might disagree with me though, some people like their images and metaphors as over-the-top as you can make 'em.

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