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if only you could read my mind love (Free verse) by sk8boardandpoems One plus one equals two
it should be me and you
Your name sounds like a child
so tender sweet and mild
How much longer will i have to go
without you by me makes me slow
I want you right here next to me
So we can go away and be free
My world has no light
without you in my sight
I breathe you ,you are my air
Sit right here and stroke my hair
Hold me in your arms till the end of day
To have you here there is no amount i can pay
I feel the tears rolling down my face
Thinking of why i cant have you in place
Every breath i take
is like a mistake
I miss you ever so much
come home soon because you are my crutch.
Up the ladder:
Never more
Down the ladder:
Full another terrific love ballad by John K.Y.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.625
Posted: March 7, 2003 1:59 PM PST; Last modified: March 7, 2003 1:59 PM PSTWeighted score: 3.788904 Overall Rank: 13497 Comments:
[0]
lost in america @ 65.100.176.196
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7-Mar-03/2:33 PM
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Reply
This sounds like you are actually attempting to write a childish poem.
~sigh~
young love and longing, the burning crush of simple incompleteness and a tender lust. and here I am in my cell unbreakable bands of spacetime to overcome in teaspoonfulls. here is a number from a hat.
I know your a mere whippersnapper of 12 so I will think back to when I wrote at that age.
I hope this will help you: First off your very brave entering a forum for writers where most people wont know your a kid and that your inexperienced at writing and totally un worldly wise. All I will say is this, everything you write no matter how negative the reaction NEVER CHUCK IT AWAY as you may have a couple of good lines to use om a later poem. This may sound unorthodox for a poet to do but your merely trying to find an identity and style for your work. You may find out of a 60 line poem you like now that later you will detest and want to chuck away, --- dont do it. When I look back on work I wrote at 13/14/15 etc i cringe, but its an interesting diary reflect on, and if you date each book you write in you will see how much your style has changed. My advice is simply ignore the votes and insulting, profane remarks and concentrate on the users who can help you. We may be totally different in technique and style but I would advise you to look at some of these users poems and concentrate on maybe writing about something your ahead in, for example write about childhood, most of us are much older and have forgot the magic of childhood, so you have a forte in that field where you can describe a natural innocence and purity. Write about the penultimate moments in your life, growing up with brother and sisters, your gran and grandad are they still alive, what is your most vivid memory and then look at beautiful ways or original metaphors to write. Gods Wife is a metaphor genius for example one line she used to describe an overcast winter day was....'The sky turned confederate grey' now that original. I am by no means perfect but I have generally got something out of poetry, moved people, pissed people off, but achieved what I wanted to do and thats get a reaction and make a difference to an otherwise mundane existence. This is my longest comment ever on ranker but I wanted to help you. User List (by no means complete) who influenced me ---------------------------------------- Tintagiles: Imagery genius, wild and evocative Gods Wife: A real poet in every sense of the word. Intransit: Learning his art but when hes good hes on fire. Poeandknowit: a complete shit human being but good writer) Mr Pig: His work is moving and descriptive. Horus8: A diverse writer, very angry, controversial but always has a point to make and wicked S.O.H. Zzinnia: Like Gods wife both have helped fucking dozens of writers and get treated like shit by some who cant take the criticism, listen to these people, poetry are there arteries, ZZinnia is a top haiku writer and she too is a cool writer. Theres loads more, even view Rangers work hes only 17 but pretty damn good for his age. I hope you give poetry a shot. good luck sk8
I thank you very much for your some what interesting(hopefully) compliment..I usually take to mind in what others say like for instence razorgrin(or something like that) says that in many many words that i am a pieace of shit and that no one cares about me not even my spleen(i got her/him back) and several others who shall remain nameless but after reading your comment that made me think that some people out there(not many) but some of them do care about my work and they appreciate the INNOCENCE of a child and the least the could do as you menchioned(cant spell) in your comment that i am quote on quote 'very BRAVE for entering a forum of expirenced writers'..i only entered this forum becase i wanted some advice and comments from the wise and proven..not someone my age...because someone my age who reads me poems wil say that they are the greatest thing in the world...and thats ok to hear but i would much rather have someone point out my mistakes instead of praising them and not even knowing it...I need alot of help in spelling(hehhe) and maybe some inspirations but after reading your comment that has changed my view of the poetry world...I thank you for taking your time to read it and others and i hope that you enjoy them as much as i do writing them....Thank you
Caducus is most correct. 6 for effort.
And C, A-thank you suh!
Line six needs a little work but besides that i really like it alot!!
pimm pull
Nurse, fetch me the clearasil drip, stat! We're losing the patient!
sit right here and stroke my pubes. i like a girl who knows what she wants.
tender sweet and mild reminds me of "Silent Night"
Crutch ha poor bastard! Girls don't think desperateness is attractive. I hope you didn't give this to her. 3 hey its better than the other two I read
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