PART ONE: WHAT IS HUMOR? OR: WHAT IS IT TO BE FUNNY? THE FIRST LESSON OF HUMOR IS THAT HUMOR IS IN AND OF ITSELF NOT FUNNY. IT IS INDEED THE LEAST FUNNY THING IN THE WORLD. HUMOR IS A PRODUCT OF HUMANKIND'S COLLECTIVE DESIRE TO ACHIEVE SOME DEGREE OF PERMANENCE AS A SPECIES IN A WORLD THAT KNOWS NO PERMANENCE AT ALL. HUMOR IS OUR WAY OF REMINDING OURSELVES THAT WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT, THE BOAT OF FUTILITY, UP THE SAME CREEK, THE CREEK OF SPIRITUAL EMPTINESS, WITHOUT A PADDLE, THE PADDLE OF CERTAINTY/FAITH. YOU WILL NOTICE THAT IN ALL SITUATIONS HUMOR IS USED, THE ROOT REASON IS THAT WE RECOGNIZE THAT THERE IS NO VALUE TO LIFE OR LIVING: SITUATION ONE: BEING FUNNY TO IMPRESS A GIRL YOU IMPRESS WITH HUMOR TO GET HER IN THE SACK, WHICH IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL PLACEHOLDER FOR REPRODUCTION. THROUGH REPRODUCTION WE PERPETUATE OURSELVES INTO THE FUTURE...A FUTURE WHICH WILL EVENTUALLY SURPASS THE LIFESPAN OF THE HUMAN RACE. SITUATION TWO: BEING FUNNY BECAUSE OF RAPE/HOLOCAUST YOU USE HUMOR AS AN SHORT-TERM SALVE TO DISTRACT YOURSELF AND OTHERS FROM THE OBVIOUS LONG TERM IMPLICATIONS OF THE FACT THAT THESE HORRIFFIC ACTS WERE COMMITTED BY ONE OF YOUR OWN SPECIES. A GOOD EXAMPLE OF THIS TYPE OF HUMOR IS THE JEWS, WHO ARE NOTORIOUSLY FUNNY, AS COMPARED TO SURVIVORS OF A *NATURAL* DISASTER, WHO AREN'T REALLY FUNNY AT ALL ( UNLESS THEY ARE ATLANTEANS). SITUATION THREE: BEING FUNNY TO GET AHEAD IN THE WORKPLACE YOU USE HUMOR TO CREATE THE APPEARANCE THAT YOU ARE BOTH UNINTIMIDATING AND CLEVER, AND IN SO DOING GET AHEAD WITHOUT MAKING ENEMIES. OTHER PEOPLE LAUGH DESPITE KNOWING THAT SINCE THEY ARE NOT FUNNY THEMSELVES THEY WILL BE LEFT BEHIND. IT IS THESE PEOPLE WHO FIRST TASTE THE SHIT SANDWICH SERVED BY ECONOMIC DOWNTURN. THE FACT THAT THE FUNNY INDIVIDUAL WHO SURVIVES IS NOT IN ANY SIGNIFICANT SENSE BETTER OR STRONGER THAN HIS PEERS UNDERMINES DARWIN'S THEORY OF EVOLUTION, WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO GUARANTEE THE PERPETUATION AND INVINCIBILITY OF A SPECIES, BUT IN MODERN REALITY SIMPLY GUARANTEES THAT IN 4 GENERATIONS NOBODY WILL GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE ELSE, EVER, AND FURTHERMORE, THAT WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL AND WILL BE RAPED BY THE DEVIL OF OUR OWN CONSCIENCE. PERHAPS YOU ARE BEGINNING TO SEE NOW THAT HUMOUR IS THE CASUAL, WORKADAY MANIFESTATION OF OUR LACK OF MEANING IN LIFE. ALL OTHER ACTIVITIES WE ENJOY ARE ALSO MANIFESTATIONS OF THIS - YOU WILL FIND THAT WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT WE ENJOY WHAT WE ENJOY BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHY. WE LAUGH BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHY AND YET WE CAN. IF A JOKE SUCCEEDS BECAUSE IT IS RIDICULOUS, THE JOKE IS ABOUT HOW RIDICULOUS OUR SITUATION AS HUMAN BEINGS IS. IF IT IS BIZARRE THEN IT PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE SENSE OF WONDER AND BEWILDERMENT THAT ACCOMPANIES SENTIENCE WITHOUT PURPOSE. IF IT IS SURPRISING THEN IT SUCCEEDS BECAUSE IT SURPRISES US TO WAKE EACH DAY NOT KNOWING, AND NOT BEING ABLE TO KNOW WHO WE ARE, WHY WE ARE OR WHERE WE SHOULD GO. IF THE JOKE IS SILLY, THEN IT REMINDS US OF HOW SILLY IT IS THAT WE ROAM A PLANET CONTAINING NO CLUES SUGGESTING THE EXISTENCE OF A CREATOR ANY MORE GOD-LIKE THAN OUR OWN PARENTS. PART TWO: HOW TO BE FUNNY OR: THE NITTY GRITTY MY DEAR GOOD FELLOW HERE IS HOW TO BE FUNNY IT IS NOT AS HARD AS IT ONCE SEEMED TO YOU. FIRST YOU MUST LEARN THE LAW OF PREFIXES FOR INSTANCE EN- THIS IS A USEFUL ONE. OBSERVE HOW IT IS USED WITH A VERB, NORMALLY A VERB THAT DESCRIBES AN ACTION THAT LEAVES SOME PHYSICAL TRACE ON THE DIRECT OBJECT: SOIL -> ENSOIL GAY -> ENGAY SULLY -> ENSULLY JAIL -> ENJAIL ANOTHER GOOD PREFIX IS BE- SOIL -> BESOIL DRUNKEN -> BEDRUNKENED GAY -> BEGAY DON'T FORGET SUFFIXES! -ED SEEMINGLY INNOCENT...BUT IS IT?? -ESTED "" --FUCK NEEDS NO EXPLANATION IT IS VERY FUNNY TO HAVE WORDS THAT SOUND LIKE OTHER WORDS BUT IN FACT MEAN OTHER THINGS. THESE WORDS ARE CALLED HOMOPHOBES. FOR INSTANCE: GAY -> BEGAY -> LOOKS LIKE BEGAT JOSEPH BEGAT DAVID -> JOSEPH BEGAY DAVID IT IS IN THIS MANNER THAT THE ASPIRING COMIC MAY FLIP THE SCRIPT. CERTAIN WORDS HAVE A COMIC WEIGHT OF THEIR OWN. HERE ARE SOME OF MY FAVOURITES, BUT TRY TO THINK OF YOUR OWN: COCKS JEZEBEL CUPCAKES CELERY A/D CONVERTER MAGENTA SHARPIE HAREM PATE BRISEE LINZER TORTE NEGROID SOLDERING IRON TUPPANCE TRUNDLE EGRET CUNT GLASTONBURY PINUP APRICOT PRESERVES DESSERT CART DROWNING MUERTRE YOU WILL NOTICE THAT THESE WORDS OFTEN FALL INTO DISTINCT CATEGORIES. HERE ARE THE MOST OBVIOUS: WORDS WITH THE LETTER K: COCKS CUPCAKES DRUNKEN KLIENER LIPTAUR KEFIR KETTLE KILLER KERNING FOREIGN, ESPECIALLY FRENCH WORDS: PATE BRISEE TERRIBLE PERE GORIOT MUERTRE NATURELLEMENT MOI CLICKENZIE CALCITIENES JUDEN HELDEN TOMAS AUBERGINE WORDS INVOLVING COOKERY: STEWED PEARS EGG BEATER POTATOS ANNA PAN SPRINGFORM CAKE MOLD SHORTENING CUSTARD ESPECIALLY CHEESES: MORBIER STILTON PONT L'EVEQUE CAMEMBERT RED LEICESTER ASIAGO TALLEGIO EMMENTALER AND DRY WHITE WINES, ESPECIALLY GERMAN OR ALSATIAN ONES: RIESLING GEVERSTRAMINER PINOT GRIS DORNFELDER EISWINE ETC. ALSO SWEET BUT NOT STRONG LIQUEURS, SOME APERITIFS ETC. POIR WILLIAMS PORT SHERRY (ESPECIALLY CREAM SHERRY) CREME DE MENTHE CURACAO SAMBUCA CERTAIN SUBJECT MATTERS ARE FUNNY ON THEIR OWN. THEY ARE NOT TO BE TAMPERED WITH. THEY ARE: HOMOSEXUALITY CHRISTOPHER REEVE HELEN KELLER ANNE FRANK MENSTRUATION** CUNNILINGUS VAGINAL INTERCOURSE*** GAYNESS PETE YORN* NICK DRAKE* JAZZ WOODWORKING PO' FOLK STARVING FOLK ARCHITECTURE *CONCERNING GAYNESS THEREOF **ESPECIALLY CONCERNING SIOUXSIE SIOUX ***VAGINAL IS OR WILL BE THE NEW ORAL LASTLY, THERE IS THE ISSUE OF THE BRITISH. I CAN HEAR YOU SAYING NOW, LORD GANUS WHAT ABOUT BEING ALL BRITISH AND THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW AND THE QUEEN AND CRUMPETS AND LORDS OF THE MANOR AND AND AND AND TO THIS I SAY: BEWARE BRITISHNESS CAN EASILY BACKFIRE. PEOPLE NEW TO COMEDY SHOULD STICK TO THE SAFER, AND IN MY OPINION FUNNIER FRENCH, OR EVEN TO THE VAST UNTAPPED COMIC RESERVES OF THE GERMANS AND KOREANS. -=Dark_Angel=-, WHILE CERTAINLY NOT A MASTER OF THE BRITISH ANGLE, IS SOMEWHAT MORE QUALIFIED TO DISCUSS THIS MATTER. I DO KNOW THAT ONE MUST BE ABLE TO DRAW A LINE BETWEEN THE COMICAL USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND THE ENGLISH USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE- THOUGH THESE SETS OVERLAP, THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT AND VERY, VERY RISKY. PART THREE: THINGS THAT ARE NOT FUNNY OR: DON'T BE A CHEAP SETTLE KNOCK OFF REMEMBER THAT COMEDY IS ALL ABOUT CONTEXT. IT IS FOR THIS REASON THAT WITLESS COMMENTS CAN BE HILARIOUS SIMPLY BECAUSE OF WHEN AND WHERE THEY ARE MADE. KEEPING THIS IN MIND, ONE COULD BE A CHEAP SETTLE KNOCK-OFF AND SUCCEED TO A LIMITED EXTENT. HOWEVER, ALTHOUGH LACKING NOVELTY AND ORIGINALITY DO NOT PRECLUDE HUMOUR, THEY CAN PROVE TO BE WEAK ALLIES IN THE LONG RUN. YOU MUST FIND YOUR OWN GROOVE AND DEVELOP IT. YOUR WORDS AND ACTS MUST BE FRESH-FACED, YOU MUST NEVER WINCE OR LAUGH AT YOURSELF UNLESS YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SO FOR COMIC EFFECT. HERE IS A BRIEF LIST OF THINGS WHICH ARE NOT FUNNY: LINUX/WINDOWS/MACINTOSH PERL/BASIC/VBASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN PUSHY STEP-PARENTS "WHOAH THERE - TOO MUCH INFORMATION" SERENDIPITY POLITICS WHITE PEOPLE VS. BLACK PEOPLE HISPANICS VS. ASIANS (ASIANS WERE VERY FUNNY UNTIL RECENTLY) RELATIONSHIPS TONED DOWN HOMOSEXUALITY ALA WILL&GRACE IRREVERENCE ALA DAVE BARRY MEN BEING MEN ALA THE MAN SHOW OUTERSPACE WACKINESS ALA RED DWARF OR DR. WHO STAR WARS, TREK ANYTHING NOT UTTERLY INANE BY MCSWEENEY'S WWW.THEONION.COM FAKE TITS MICHAEL JACKSON ETC. BY NOT FUNNY OF COURSE I MEAN THAT THESE ARE SHOPWORN SUBJECT MATTERS. THEY CAN AND ARE REJUVINATED BY CREATIVE COMICS, BUT FOR THE MOST PART THEIR VERY MENTION CAUSES THE MOST KNOWINGEST OF US TO WEEP AND MOAN WITH BOREDOM AND IRRITATION. REMEMBER THAT FOR EVERY RULE THERE ARE 10 EXCEPTIONS. HUMOR CANNOT BE CATEGORIZED AND DEFINED - IT FLOATS IN THE PRESENT. THOSE OF US WHO ARE FUNNY CAN SEE IT FLOATING - WE CAN REACH OUT AND GRAB IT. PART FOUR: OR: CONCLUSION I HOPE YOU NOW GET THE GIST OF HUMOR. EVEN USING THE WORDS ABOVE, HIGHLY AMUSING PIECES CAN BE ASSEMBLED WITH A MINIMUM OF EFFORT: I was sipping an Alsatian wine with Jezebel The spring-form cake mold terrible And she menstruated as Siouxsie Sioux Enbloodies Pete Yorn's gayness In the linzer torte-fucked night Curacao dripped from my lips As I made a spline joint with a tablesaw With a slice of finest Pont L'eveque On my gilded fink-er Hellen Keller is besoiled today She's no pinup, but a warbling Toadstool preparing ne muertre pas Portion of Nick Drake's Dead Quiet Gay Corpse NOW YOU TRY!! KIDS ASK AN ADULT TO HELP YOU EXTRA POINTS FOR RHYMING