Concrete

This ain't concrete

It's about concrete - what more do you want?

Once again, the flow is really off, the words don't fit into the rhythym of the thing. Also the content is a bit bigoted, so far none of your poetry matches what I would expect from the description you gave in your profile, nor the way you critique a lot of these other people.

Like I said, you just need to say a few words quite quickly, and it all falls into place. And I'll thank you not to describe me as bigoted or hypocritical - if you actually thought about the poem, you'd realise it was a commentary about how the uneducated (signified by the builder and his mates) view women and homosexuals. Quite clearly, the poem can't be taken seriously, so anyone with any sense would realise it is an ironic social commentary.

I did read the poem, and it comes off as though you are on the side of the builder, you certainly don' represent them as uneducated or wrong, you merely imply that they are there and what they do is ok. Besides, using the builder to represent the uneducated is the wrong choice, his underlings, maybe, but considering the schooling it can take to get to the point where you would be an architect or foreman on a construction job, they are generally far from uneducated. Also, i never said you couldn't say the words really quickly, but it makes the poem sound akward and generally detracts from it's enjoyability to do so. Poems shouldn't have to be forced or rushed, they should flow. That is part of why they aren't prose, stories can rush, they don't have to have a meter, they just say what they want and that's that, but poetry should flow, as yours don't, plain and simple.

You're just making things up now. I don't have to make it clear that they are uneducated or wrong: the actions taken by the builder are obviously outrageous, and so therefore are the motives for the actions. And the builder clearly isn't educated - he is taking an active part in the mixing of concrete, which is not the job taken on by an architect.

Jhesu, why can't a guy make an observation without commenting on it with some heavy-handed moralism? Sometimes you can actually read a piece and get the meaning on your own. I liked it.

This is actually pretty humorous.

If the craft were better, it would be an excellent poem. This is a good rough draft.

excellent work. But tell me: do you have any idea what a cubic yard of concrete weighs? Quite a bit. If there is ANY stage of construction that shouldn't be messed around with it is the one you describe. There is a firm in LA which specializes in cleaning up concrete spills, which happen when the molds and casts are incorrectly constructed. An accident resulting in several hundred tons of concrete to spill out of a mold can easily cost millions of dollars in repair, cleanup and damages. And women don't have a mind for that sort of thing anyway. Good work.

maybe, if i had a penis i would understand what settle meant too. concrete good. kicking bad. i get that part anyway.

Heh, "mates".
"necroscope" is a nut. His profile says that he's in the ARMY. Can you really trust the opinion of someone who would willingly conscribe themselves to take the lives of other people? I don't think so. Personally I thought the poem had a totally funkadelic "flow" that made me bust my pants and dance all over the place. Totally whack.

that was dum

A Concrete poem is a conglomeration of words (sometimes one word repeated over and over) whose overall shape is a key to the concept it presents. There are no truly agreed-upon conventions, but a natural elegance of arrangement is often striven for.

Sometimes the poem can be read in multiple directions from different starting points, depending on the shape of the form and the curiousity of the reader.