Replying to a comment on:

Concrete (Concrete) by beakism

The builder lays his tools on the ground And calls for his mates, a booming sound His mates pour cement into the mixer A woman comes along and the builder kicks her Because women don't belong on a building site They should stay at home and keep out of sight The builder and his mates pour gravel in the cement They push a mate in because they found out he was bent The mixer turns round at a steady rate While waiting for it to finish, the builder leans on a gate Finally the mixer's finished and the job is complete The builder has a load of freshly made concrete.

necroscope7 10-Jun-02/11:33 AM
I did read the poem, and it comes off as though you are on the side of the builder, you certainly don' represent them as uneducated or wrong, you merely imply that they are there and what they do is ok. Besides, using the builder to represent the uneducated is the wrong choice, his underlings, maybe, but considering the schooling it can take to get to the point where you would be an architect or foreman on a construction job, they are generally far from uneducated. Also, i never said you couldn't say the words really quickly, but it makes the poem sound akward and generally detracts from it's enjoyability to do so. Poems shouldn't have to be forced or rushed, they should flow. That is part of why they aren't prose, stories can rush, they don't have to have a meter, they just say what they want and that's that, but poetry should flow, as yours don't, plain and simple.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001