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Pantoum (Other) by Moss
Your hands were like grasses that softened my eyes, as you stood on the building with your compass, and measured faces in the sky. And then my eyes were the people you designed, to measure faces in the sky, and slowly turn them blind. The people you designed you painted pink, against the fence. With words you turned them blind, and introduced me to silence. Painted pink against the fence, my limbs became threads you splintered. You introduced me to silence, then introduced me to winter. My limbs became threads you splintered off the avenue that built from smoke. So came and went winter, a full, hot white you couldn't choke. And off the avenue that built of smoke, there you lingered with your compass. The white hot gone, and now you choked upon your words, your hands, like grasses.

Up the ladder: An Exercise in Futility
Down the ladder: Music That Cannot Exist

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.5
Weighted score: 5.134471
Overall Rank: 5554
Posted: November 19, 2002 11:36 PM PST; Last modified: November 19, 2002 11:36 PM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 | 20-Nov-02/12:10 PM | Reply
your first problem is the use of pink, your second was the winter thing. the third apparently was looking for your face in the sky, when it's really in your hand.t
[n/a] Moss @ 24.61.133.29 > Bachus | 21-Nov-02/12:35 AM | Reply
You're awfully critical today. I don't like this poem much either...in fact, I think it's pretty lousy. I didn't say I'm good with forms...this is the first time I've actually used them. And for your concern, I haven't been teaching old people how to write pantoums. I primarily write prose and screenplays.
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