That's kinda disturbing. Makes me think of The Stand, or something like. I like more flow in the poetry I read, but this has a good impact regardless. It would do well as a Funker Vogt song. ;) Actually, it's better than their lyrics...

good use of words, sense of form, but my initial reaction is you don't pull off whatever you are trying to accomplish. Go for it again (it's short enough).

some good ideas, could use more work tho

This is pretty f*ing funny. I'm not sure it's supposed to be, though, and the misspell really detracts from it.

sucks