destinys anguish

Member since 2002 · Posted 28 May 2002 · 3 comments

The cloak of destiny envelopes me As the wind howls about my being The strife of life is driving me Crazy! Thirteen bells chime on the strike of midnight As I drop my pen in anguish The sharp pain shoots through me And black and white corpses hang around me in the air Grinning at my sweat The light and shade I see Whilst running through a chickens eye My mind swirls I will not bow down to you With all your power You are nothing but a feather floating on a zephyr! Do not torment me any more! The sands of time fall in a gigantic egg timer creating dunes of hell The tears of a clown drip down and streak the lead based paint The Fire burns high atop a mountain peak flaming the spyres of my mind I run, run away With my hand clasped to my head The foaming horses rear and scream The cry of the raven does nothing to banish the darkness And I rest alone, bedraggled into the maze again The masks are all about me The pierot trips and lands on his hands Three wizened hags laugh and the rats nose twitches at the smell of our souls

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3 comments

[4] nentwined 29-May-02/3:17 AM Reply

I like the "here then there"ness of the poem, but it doesn't tie together for me, nor really have much effect. As much as I like the word "envelopes" (and entwines), I think I need a clearer image or statement. Certain words felt like they were just tossed in without consideration for the rest of the poem: envelopes, zephyr, bedraggled, (pierot?). I think apostraphes where "necessary" would have helped somewhat, especially as you used (a plethora of) exclamation marks and a goodly number of commas.

[n/a] Adjudicator 29-May-02/3:46 AM Reply

I too think apostrophes are very important. In my opinion they can so easily be overlooked and yet they are essential. I apprecaite you bringing this to my attention. An apostrophe here and an apostrophe there can pepper a poem with pleasing punctuation. Did you know that a monk called Aloicious Thrimble invented the apostrophe in 1532 when a sycamore seed fell into his hat on a windy day. It was originally called the 'postrophe' but he was misunderstood by the clerics when he announced 'I have invented a postrophe'?

[3] Agemo-Z 7-Aug-02/12:30 AM Reply

Wow, such deep, gritty, dark imagery. I particularily enjoyed "the foaming horses".
But seriously, what's the point here? What are you trying to communicate, other than the fact that you can use a bunch of stupidly dark imagery?