| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
destinys anguish (Other) by Adjudicator The cloak of destiny envelopes me
As the wind howls about my being
The strife of life is driving me Crazy!
Thirteen bells chime on the strike of midnight
As I drop my pen in anguish
The sharp pain shoots through me
And black and white corpses hang around me in the air
Grinning at my sweat
The light and shade I see
Whilst running through a chickens eye
My mind swirls
I will not bow down to you
With all your power
You are nothing but a feather floating on a zephyr!
Do not torment me any more!
The sands of time fall in a gigantic egg timer
creating dunes of hell
The tears of a clown drip down and streak the lead based paint
The Fire burns high atop a mountain peak
flaming the spyres of my mind
I run, run away
With my hand clasped to my head
The foaming horses rear and scream
The cry of the raven does nothing to banish the darkness
And I rest alone, bedraggled
into the maze again
The masks are all about me
The pierot trips and lands on his hands
Three wizened hags laugh
and the rats nose twitches at the smell of our souls
Up the ladder:
living room
Down the ladder:
planet
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.3846154
Posted: May 28, 2002 6:41 AM PDT; Last modified: May 28, 2002 6:41 AM PDTWeighted score: 3.8190591 Overall Rank: 13479 Comments:
[4]
nentwined @ 66.47.71.146
|
29-May-02/3:17 AM
|
Reply
I like the "here then there"ness of the poem, but it doesn't tie together for me, nor really have much effect. As much as I like the word "envelopes" (and entwines), I think I need a clearer image or statement. Certain words felt like they were just tossed in without consideration for the rest of the poem: envelopes, zephyr, bedraggled, (pierot?). I think apostraphes where "necessary" would have helped somewhat, especially as you used (a plethora of) exclamation marks and a goodly number of commas.
I too think apostrophes are very important. In my opinion they can so easily be overlooked and yet they are essential. I apprecaite you bringing this to my attention. An apostrophe here and an apostrophe there can pepper a poem with pleasing punctuation. Did you know that a monk called Aloicious Thrimble invented the apostrophe in 1532 when a sycamore seed fell into his hat on a windy day. It was originally called the 'postrophe' but he was misunderstood by the clerics when he announced 'I have invented a postrophe'?
Wow, such deep, gritty, dark imagery. I particularily enjoyed "the foaming horses".
But seriously, what's the point here? What are you trying to communicate, other than the fact that you can use a bunch of stupidly dark imagery? 152 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
