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Dancing with the Dandelions (Free verse) by Piano we spent our days
laughing in the sunshine
running in the fields
dancing
with the dandelions
we were so young
and so carefree
children in the
brightness
the rain falling on our faces
oh, how soft the breeze blew
and stole our precious flowers
the frightful storm of reality
ripped
through our lives
oblivious of us, of me, of you
and like the
dandelions
we too have gone to seed
blown away in the wind
we grow
amongst the weed
I want to walk in the sun again
to be a child of the
sun again
to feel the rain on my face again
to dance with the dandelions
again
Up the ladder:
Scarecrow
Down the ladder:
the mattress is a magnet
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.785714
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:17 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:17 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.7837715 Overall Rank: 1714 Comments:
[n/a]
deleted user @
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16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
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Reply
dance like the dandelions is good, but the other images are cliche (lauging in the sunshine, rain on my face, running in the fields). You need to focus on your new words.structures.
Better than ya think, Piano! Shar
me too...
you lose the rhythm in the last stanza. Try losing the last three "agains"....Try: I want to walk in the sun again/To be a child of the sun/To feel the rain on my face/To dance with dandelions
you have a lot of superfluous articles that get in the way of your flow. We spent days/laughing in sunshine/running fields/dancing with dandelions/We were young/carefree/children in brightness/falling rain on our faces/ the breeze blew soft/stole our precious flower/the frightful storm/ripped our lives/oblivious/like dandelions/we too have gone to seed/blown away in the wind/we grow amongst the weed/I want to walk in the sun again/be a child of the sun/feel the rain on my face/dance with dandelions
The only dance you shall be dancing is the hideous dance of shame. Now put on your cloggs and begin.
DA, that might have hurt coming from someone who actually reads the poems. But since it's painfully obvious that all you do during your time here is pick fights, I am completely unscathed. Have you ever given someone a rating of more than 1? Ever given a pleasant or hell, even a legitimate comment? Didn't think so. Try again.
Actually I did not submit a vote for your poeme. The '1' you got must have been provided by someone else. Get your facts straight before you ruthlessly accuse innocent Americans of giving your wonderful poemes naughty marks.
Dandelions are SUPPOSED to go to seed, and grow amongst the weed.
good imagery
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