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Hells Game (Free verse) by Katie Borrowed light from the sun,
Reflects upon your face,
The conflict starts,
The blood rushes,
Your palms ache,
Sweating with pain.
This anger is hereditary,
But when you met your match,
Two souls walked away,
Two bodies left to lay 6 feet under it all.
All the pain and suffering.
You thought you were strong when you where weak,
You thought you were warm when you where cold.
You proved you would take his life,
If he didn't stop being so stock,
You shot him straight through his heart.
You played the devils game,
And for that,
Forever there you will stay.
Up the ladder:
Bitter as Wormwood
Down the ladder:
Masculine
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.3636365
Posted: November 5, 2002 6:45 AM PST; Last modified: November 5, 2002 7:05 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.681818 Overall Rank: 1993 Comments:
[8]
UnityMitford @ 167.206.181.179
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5-Nov-02/6:55 AM
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Reply
katie's back! there is some nice stuff in here. in the two "You thought you..." lines, you'll want to change the "where"s to "were"s. i like those lines, though. the poem veers from subtle to not so subtle, but it's one of your more solid poems (although what do i know).
[n/a]
Katie @ 169.139.16.2
> UnityMitford
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5-Nov-02/7:07 AM
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Reply
Thank you Unity for coment, I went back and changed those spelling boo-boo's, as you can kinda tell I'm bad about that kind of stuff. But thanks!! and GUESS WHO'S BACK...BACK AGIAN...GUESS WHO'S BACK...TELL A FRIEND...haha JK!!!! But thanks agian for the help! =)
[8]
UnityMitford @ 167.206.181.179
> Katie
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5-Nov-02/7:10 AM
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Reply
you're welcome, slim.
I don't know what to say about this one except wow... great read! :o)
katie, in those same lines, you have two more "where"s to change to "were"s.
Strong writing, Katie; I think of two cowboys in a duel, gangs, etc. 'The anger is hereditary' makes me wonder. You gotta keep 'em separated; teufel hunde.
change all of the "yous" to toaster. and the "yours" to pickle-bumps. carry on.??
i couldn't agree more! i also think that all of the "o"'s should be changed to katie's signature comment: =-)
the poem would then improve by leaps and bounds. you men are all under her spell, i think.
The virgins always get backstage, no matter what they've got to say.
i know i am.
you're SUPPOSED to be a girl, unity. remember? or are you getting senile in your old age?
Please change the title to ~*Hells Game*~
No No, I do that and another war will begin in my comments. ~*I put a spell on you...and now your all mine....haha jk =)*~
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