poemranker ::On a chill morning by razorgrin

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Free verse № 20643

On a chill morning

by razorgrin

Member since 2002 · Posted 16 Oct 2002 · 25 comments

A stranger is standing in the driveway, clouded in plumes of frozen breath Last night's frost creeps into his old bones to numb his hands and feet, yet he still stands, the morning's feeble rays breaking on his face. His eyes are upcast toward my curtained window, rapt. A fascinated gaze broken by my leaving the house, rounding the corner. I level my eyes on his, a basilisk stare and a wordless conversation ending as I drive off toward the rising sun.

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mean 5.88 weighted 5.78 rank 1739 views 237 View voting details →

17 votes so far. Yours would make 18.17 votes so far

25 comments

[9] Christof 16-Oct-02/7:39 AM Reply
And you call my poem chilly? This is icy and sinister.
[5] poetandknowit 16-Oct-02/9:39 AM Reply
You could remove like 10 words from this poem and make it better, but ramble on.
[6] Frass 16-Oct-02/10:12 AM Reply
I'd like to read about 4 more stanzas, rzrgrn. Seems to be the start of a poetic story.
[n/a] razorgrin › Frass 16-Oct-02/1:27 PM Reply
Frass, I'd write more of the event, but that's all there was to it. Unless he's back tomorrow, or something.
[10] Tintagiles 16-Oct-02/11:12 AM Reply
This is not bad at all. Just one little thing -- you come out the house, turn around the corner, look at him, drive off -- wait a minute, when did you get into the car?
[9] god'swife 16-Oct-02/11:32 AM Reply
Excellent, excellent.
[n/a] razorgrin › god'swife 16-Oct-02/1:25 PM Reply
Half of you want more words, half want less. I know there's no pleasing you people. Tintagiles, i know I didn't mention getting in the car. why should I? Glad some of you are happy, though. Almost makes a really creepy start to my day worthwhile.
[10] limonade › razorgrin 16-Oct-02/1:44 PM Reply
I think I've got to agree with Tintagiles, bunny. It's like a gaping hole in the continuity of the piece. There's no transition and the reader finds herself wondering, "Does your sidewalk drive?"
[9] god'swife › limonade 16-Oct-02/2:03 PM Reply
Gaping hole? Please point it out least i fall in. Looks fine to me. She could be driving anything; bike, scooter, a broom. What's the problem?
[10] Tintagiles › god'swife 16-Oct-02/6:05 PM Reply
It's inexistent, if she's driving her bike, scooter, broom out of the door. She appears to be levelling her eyes on his and suddenly zooming off, with no transistion. Maybe it'S just that Limonade and I know the house in question, and that driving out the door on bike, scooter, broom, whatever would be a tad difficult. It just doesn't quite seem to fit. We're picky.
[9] Christof 17-Oct-02/4:03 AM Reply
What is this mad pedantry about cars/brooms whatever? Who cares? This poem would go on forever if there was a description of every single detail and by the end of it the reader would want to baste himself in his own tears of frustration and rage. Leave it as it is Razorgrin!
[10] Tintagiles › Christof 17-Oct-02/7:48 AM Reply
All we're saying is that it seems disjointed. If the word 'drive' were changed to 'go' or some other one-syllable word saying the same thing, I believe it would work better.
[9] god'swife › Tintagiles 17-Oct-02/7:54 AM Reply
It not's disjointed to me. Drive is perfect. The word puts her in a car, with foggy glass between her and stranger. I had no trouble with it. He's watching her roll out the drive, inexpressive look on his face, arms hanging down at his sides.
[9] Christof › god'swife 17-Oct-02/7:57 AM Reply
I don't have a problem with it either. it seems a very succinct way of ending the poem. Goddammit, I like it. But there's no accounting for taste. And thanks for your message Mrs G.
[n/a] razorgrin › Christof 17-Oct-02/11:46 AM Reply
Thankee, Christof and god's wife. I also left out the transportation because how i move doesn't figure in it. It's all about the interaction between me and Old 'n' Creepy, leaving no room for other people. Or the car itself. Limonade and intagiles, be good or I'll throw pebbles at your windows in the wee hours of morning for a month.
[10] Tintagiles › razorgrin 17-Oct-02/1:45 PM Reply
I stand by my opinion. And sweetheart, for your pebble-throwing to have any effect, I'd have to be there, asleep. And care. And we know how rare that is. If you break the window you get to pay for it and I'll do horrible things to you. If we're not allowed to mention what we consider a slight bump in your work... Come now, dearie, as if you wouldn't mention a bump in ours if it really jumped at you.
[10] limonade › razorgrin 17-Oct-02/5:31 PM Reply
But you mention so many outside things EXCEPT that. I fyou didn't get into such detail about your window, leaving the house, it would make sense. It's inconsistent with the rest of what you've said. As for throwing rocks at my window... have fun! The chances I'd hear you? Good. The chances I'd care? Slim to nil. You'd get bored first. Or I'd just invite you in for Schnapps...
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 21-Oct-02/5:14 PM Reply
The first four lines are extremely dandy.
[n/a] razorgrin › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 22-Oct-02/11:17 AM Reply
thankee, Dark One. For those who care: He hasn't been back, at least not noticeably.
[10] Tintagiles › razorgrin 22-Oct-02/11:22 AM Reply
So much the better. Bastard.
[8] Caducus 13-Dec-02/3:47 AM Reply
Fantsastico !
[n/a] razorgrin › Caducus 13-Dec-02/11:24 AM Reply
gracias.
[9] rockinindividual 27-Dec-02/3:49 PM Reply
9
[0] sk8boardandpoems 25-Feb-03/3:50 PM Reply
too bad yet another zero
[n/a] razorgrin › sk8boardandpoems 26-Feb-03/7:03 AM Reply
I'm just amazed you can find the time to rank my lil' ol' poems between sending all those Jews to the showers.