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The Waking (Free verse) by Brennan What once was black is now seen clear
I wake upon the street
With thoughts of mine that fly about
To concepts of deceit
I recognize across my face
The hard December rain
I lie there with my wounds revealed
And soul constrewed with pain
The choices made on night before
Found waste in foolish plight
Like wings of death flown deep upon
The darkness of the night
And saved but one the chance of fate
A chance no man can give
Which took the hour of scorn and sin
And taught me how to live
Now looking back on one who hate
Instead of one who cared
Had known the evil come that night
I never would have dared
What once was black is now seen clear
I never should have dared
Up the ladder:
So
Down the ladder:
Warmth Amidst Winter
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.1
Posted: October 11, 2002 12:23 AM PDT; Last modified: October 11, 2002 12:23 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.05 Overall Rank: 6825 Comments:
I like this a lot, but is 'constrewed' a word? Do you mean construed, or constrained? If you've made it up, that's ok, though - Shakespeare did it all the time, so you're in good company.
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I like the fact that this has some rhyme and rhythm, not that that is essential, but it oftens adds well. However there are a number of places where simple adjustments could make improvements.
for example.
The choices made on night before
The choices made the night before
substituting the for on here makes the whole thing more grammatical and flows just as well, thus it is easier on the mind.