| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
you are the bell and i am the dog (Free verse) by silvertongueddevil you are the bell and i am the dog.
on the street corner your silhouette rings
an exquisite note, wave,
that mutes the traffic
and makes me wonder
which morning, which afternoon,
which forgotten sight of you
burnt this trace, unintentional response.
the dog in someone's experiment
wants to keep the thrill
because that is the reward.
Up the ladder:
A Student in Descent
Down the ladder:
I'm your father!
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.857143
Posted: May 11, 2002 3:32 AM PDT; Last modified: May 11, 2002 3:32 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.895563 Overall Rank: 9897 Comments:
[8]
david @
|
11-May-02/12:17 PM
|
Reply
The metaphor put forth in the opening line sounds contrived and too forthward to fit with the language of the rest of the piece. I'd suggest omitting the first line altogether.
you know, I agree with David. Lose the line one s1. - Aduren, your editor
quite a view!
156 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
