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Not in front of the kids. (Free verse) by darby pyn Sweating under her flashlight eyes. in suspicion,
stuck in a stare. interrogation by breakfast
light who, what, and where. competing for the last
word the best excuse. serving a volley of condemnation
with no pause. slurring excited animation contorted
expression. tones raised. spite and memories equipped
like armor. exchanging past indiscretions. breaking
glass, breaking doors, breaking vows. louder and louder
the decibels pierce. stabbing criticism uproot insecurity
and weaken defenses. louder still the voices mesh
as one. losing verse becoming form. shades of black
and red swell in the space between murder and restraint.
the walls cave in the world looks in. louder and louder
and louder.
Up the ladder:
Snake Oil: A Deadication
Down the ladder:
The Nagian, or, Red Be Unread
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.7647057
Posted: September 8, 2002 6:31 PM PDT; Last modified: September 15, 2002 1:26 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.6735506 Overall Rank: 2011 Comments:
[4]
poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.133
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9-Sep-02/11:58 PM
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Reply
The title overused and makes me start a song in my head before I even start the poem. I like the style; you used it in the other poem, but I have the same feelings. I can see you ticking away, but I do like this one better than the other.
there are some matters that need clarity in this piece. Try to break it up to make the read more lively.
Do you really want everyone to get stuck at the title? If not, I suggest you change it.
good point. I forgot about that song. I should have called it
" Not in front of the kids". as in pool I shoot too quick before thinking.
and now I'm curious what it was called before you retitled it, with all this discussion...
" Whisper to a scream". I forgot about that damn song.
you used condemnation...i like depeche mode..you win..
I like the streaming style of this rant, it reflects the anger that the subject projects. I wonder if it needs punctuation at all- interesting poetic exercise
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