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Father O Father O Father of Fools (Free verse) by dougsoderstrom
Father, O father, O father of fools, I beg thee to take charge, Of thy family jewels, Shot straight like an arrow through my mother--- then to me, Grant me thy strength, To be strong like thee. Firm and hard as a rock can be, Let me stand tall like a rooster, With skin-tightened face-----so that I might see. To rule with sure power-----fit only for a king, Pass on to my hand, The mettle of thy ring. And stand with me in this fight to come, That I might subdue the world, With but the rub of my thumb. I know that I am blessed by virtue of my birth, So allow me to take charge, Of this place we call The Earth. With missiles aimed and ready to fire, Let us all stand tall and take our place, Like kindled twigs for the funeral pyre. Silenced voices now no longer heard, The world will lie in stillness, Knowing that brute force had the last word.

Down the ladder: Trust Exercise

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.25
Weighted score: 4.910598
Overall Rank: 9550
Posted: September 1, 2002 1:17 PM PDT; Last modified: September 3, 2002 7:45 AM PDT
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Comments:
[5] Frass @ 138.88.39.180 | 1-Sep-02/8:13 PM | Reply
I like what you're after here, DS. I think you could say it better. Consider shortening the poem, not locking into metre, then losing it. Stay with a freeform which allows you to creatively toss in the off-metre phrase and make it ring like bells.
[6] nentwined @ 192.168.0.69 | 3-Sep-02/2:56 AM | Reply
almost amazing.
[5] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 3-Sep-02/8:43 AM | Reply
good imagery, but then some that disconnect/make no sense. why does sight require tight skin on the face? kindled twigs? what?
[5] tuthaliash @ 63.198.141.118 | 7-Jan-04/12:24 PM | Reply
Yes, some nice imagery. I do agree with Frass' comments, however. I personally have trouble when a metre is established or implied in a rhyming poem like this and then the poet strays from it so radically. It ends up feeling imbalanced and amateurish. It's best either to free it up completely, or choose your words very carefully and stick to the metre.
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