| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
look east when you leave west (Free verse) by Caducus Feeling atlas blue
the Atlantic pulse quickens;
pulling me in currents
I fight it with leaden arms
to a face down death.
Staring at the ocean you loved
my soup of bones.
Soon you leave.
Leaving your poetry
on scarred skies of empty lines;
looking east on top of the World
as I look west from hell,
whispering to greek gods
'return her to me.'
I will sleep now
weep now
keep somehow the memories,
the smile from her eyes
warmth of skin,
till her triple seven sunrise
Leaves me some of her within.
Iâll never love again
be loved again this way
write another poem
for I lived a sonnet this day.
Up the ladder:
Ideals drown Worries
Down the ladder:
Plastic Explosive Iraqi-Man
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5
Posted: April 8, 2005 7:29 AM PDT; Last modified: April 11, 2005 1:36 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.4034123 Overall Rank: 3140 Comments:
There seem to be a lot of dangling, misplaced, or mismodifying participle phrases in this. Some examples:
"Feeling atlas blue the Atlantic pulse quickens;" "pulling me in currents I fight it with leaden arms" "Staring at the ocean you loved my soup of bones." I wonder if you realize you're writing about an Atlantic pulse that feels blue, you pulling yourself in currents, and a woman who loves bone soup (but not necessarily the ocean). 280 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Greek gods, not Gods.
Good title.