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Poetic Profit (Free verse) by Dovina
A cloud of smoke, beery air and hamburger grease waft out the door like a belch. I slip inside and find him at the bar. Silk black shirt, pearl buttons, hair slicked back, he tips a glass. “What good was humility,” he says. “when I was stuck in obscurity. I wanted fame, to be humble in fame.” “Well, you’re famous,” I say, so tell me. Do you know the idea, or just start writing and let it come?” “The idea!” he says. “I always know what to say. “Let me sing you the lyric. to half of all successful poetry.” And in a quiet falsetto he sings, “Saturday I went to town met the guys I hang around had a smoke and a glass of gin till she came in— Dovina Is she beautiful, oh my I see her and almost die I would kneel in the street My forehead on her feet— Dovina” He slow-danced as he sang, a figment-girl in his arms, stroking her thigh, then stopped suddenly. “I don’t think so,” he says sitting, “Not for these guys. They want to forget. They remember their foreheads on feet, and the pain of a swift kick.” “I’m so lonesome I could cry,” he sang. “That’s the song they want. Getting tears in my beer over you.” I ask about free verse, and he frowns. “Nobody's going to pay you, so why do it? Get some cash for your trash.” He promised he’d look at my poems, said I could bring them around sometime.

Down the ladder: Pandora's Box

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.75
Weighted score: 5.7395887
Overall Rank: 1833
Posted: January 3, 2005 4:13 PM PST; Last modified: January 3, 2005 4:13 PM PST
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Comments:
[10] Dan garcia-Black @ 63.206.232.206 | 3-Jan-05/8:13 PM | Reply
Hey, I like this guy. He and I could sing a couple of good old country songs togther. "He Stopped Loving Her Today," "Didn't Know God Made Honky Tonk Angels" and the like. Was he drinking an American Brew? I prefer a dark beer myself with plenty of salty nuts.
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 > Dan garcia-Black | 3-Jan-05/8:16 PM | Reply
How about, "He loved her so much he forgot to vote"?
[10] Dan garcia-Black @ 66.218.59.62 > Dovina | 4-Jan-05/7:43 AM | Reply
Who did that one?
[10] Lifeboatman @ 203.104.94.2 | 4-Jan-05/4:41 AM | Reply
10..
[10] zodiac @ 212.118.14.17 | 4-Jan-05/5:43 AM | Reply
I take issue with "like a belch". That's hardly even a simile.
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 > zodiac | 4-Jan-05/8:55 AM | Reply
Waft out the door like a foul wind, a burp, a fart, a belch. Similis all.
[n/a] richa @ 81.178.222.175 > Dovina | 4-Jan-05/11:53 AM | Reply
but it is 'barely' a simile. Waft is such a weak verb anyway, why not just use 'belch out of the door'.
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 > richa | 4-Jan-05/3:01 PM | Reply
Because it’s not the same. “Waft” is a weak verb, and I used it because the smell was weaker than a belch. I know it’s complicated, but try. I’m flattered that the two of you feel a need to gang up on this important issue.
[n/a] richa @ 81.178.222.175 > Dovina | 4-Jan-05/3:37 PM | Reply
and weak in literary circles is an gentleman's word for brown.
[n/a] richa @ 81.178.222.175 > Dovina | 4-Jan-05/3:45 PM | Reply
Following your explanation I am left wondering exactly why a belch is the wrong word to use as the verb but correct to use as a simile of said verb. Is it the door that makes all the difference? If not how about a modification of the simile.

'waft like a Lady's eructation' perhaps?
[10] zodiac @ 212.118.14.17 > Dovina | 6-Jan-05/5:10 AM | Reply
Don't go through life thinking any two people who think the same thing about you are "ganged up". For one thing, that's the justification for the Iraq War. Which, I needn't mention, makes you and the angels cry.

I think the part you're not getting is that "smoke, beery air and hamburger grease" IS a belch. You're saying something equivalent to "roses smell like flowers" or "the brown stain soils my underbottoms like a turd."
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 > zodiac | 6-Jan-05/7:31 AM | Reply
God, you can be serious sometimes. Maybe it’s the language barrier – English vs. English, or some cultural disparity, but “ganging up” was a joke as was my talk of wafts and belches. We both know that I meant a weak mixture of smells emanating from the opening door having tinges of beer and stuff. Call it a belch, but that’s too strong. “A barely detectable waft having properties of a belch” is accurate, but for a poem it seemed that “like a belch” just might do the trick for most readers. Maybe it didn’t.
[10] zodiac @ 212.118.11.60 > Dovina | 8-Jan-05/5:58 AM | Reply
Why can't you just admit that a belch can be, and indeed often is, weak?
[10] jroday @ 204.215.33.75 | 4-Jan-05/2:36 PM | Reply
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