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The years write us (Free verse) by kawakurdi
The years write us The days read us How strange! Each time we are a different text Green, immature, spoiled, grown-up, grey, lacking melody We are erased by rubber and Tippex We are crossed out with the letter X Lines on lines are rubbed out What has been left is deformed What was original has only a trace What was a favourite has broken rhymes We are only a palimpsest of our own times How strange, love! The years write us Without permission, without mutual opportunity The days read us like broken lines Neither do I recognise myself Nor before-ten-years you I recognise neither the moon of your face Nor the stars of your looks Neither the melody of the heart Nor the drum of the road I look at my portrait, I look at your picture Is it change, catacomb, or a song of nostalgia? I hear a remote echo I call it. It does not recognise and respond. What a fate to become a stranger to you What a journey to leave yourself behind?

Up the ladder: happy birthday
Down the ladder: Sun Dogs

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.6
Weighted score: 5.190725
Overall Rank: 4683
Posted: December 19, 2004 3:33 AM PST; Last modified: December 19, 2004 3:33 AM PST
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Comments:
[9] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 | 19-Dec-04/11:37 AM | Reply
Very good. Take another look at a few lines:
without mutual opportunity
Nor before-ten-years you - commas
Nor the stars of your looks - "looks" is too plain.
catacomb - catacomb mask
[8] richa @ 81.178.233.69 | 20-Dec-04/3:02 AM | Reply
That is the second time in a few days I have heard the word palimpsest and the second time ever. Quite good, I would say you could always beef up the more prosaic lines. I Like 'lacking melody' for super-old people.
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