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Afterwards, when there's just you and the snow and the trees (Free verse) by somemorepoetry
We were there, wrapped tightly under Leaves, watching as they marched Through and past Our well-fortified position. "This one's a damn cripple only got one leg," said the one. "Well this one's more insect than man," said the other, waving his hand Back and forth before my eyes A hesitating view of his Black eyes pounded in like bullets And his thick jowls built like hand grenades. I counted them as they moved past By the dozen, flitting from side to side, Nesting and feeding, burrowing in -- little foxholes In the cold, hard ground where they Hoped their numbers would increase Exponentially before their resources Were overrun by the enemy. Then they swarm out of the brush, The last place you'd expect Hidden by a few dabs of darkness And a couple of twigs perfectly Positioned across the whites of their eyes Hit hard on all sides Dashes now slashing through the air Cutting hard into -- Cracking and splintering, becoming Shards of ivory and burgundy wine A feast where The meat falls right off the bone. "We can't stay now," said the one. "Then what should we do with them?" said the other. Miles of roadmarkers Hovering black clouds Made of broken lines Rather than full splashes -- Those fell on the ground, Into pools and puddles and Rivulets -- but don't you drink that, Don't you touch that, you don't know Where that's been -- It all freezes over by morning When the snakes shiver Beneath their stones and The rabbits breathe slowly to conserve Their energy for the Spring "You remember Peter?" asks the one. "Yeah, that Jewish kid. What about him?" asks the other, grabbing a splintered handle You could see shaking, blurred by The distance where everything Becomes double Where breath is felt, not seen, And cold hard presses against Heavy breathing, swimming eyes, Leaking into the powder where You dropped, boots and all, Thinking tomorrow I will go home Then palms press against soil Packed in by January Shoulders ease up, Toes uncurl, Insides calm, Eyes close Close to remembering how The strap goes under, then through -- The quarter must bounce -- The closer the better -- "Mmbff mfbnmf," says the one "Mnbff bnffdbnmbf," says the other, muffled through ages of the earth Deer and hawks and cypress trees and Antelope and mulberry and cabbage and Whippoorwills and daffodils and Bumblebees and Wooly Mammoths and Salmon and fireflies and More humans than Dallas, Texas.

Up the ladder: The Unsung Hero
Down the ladder: Weary

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.3333335
Weighted score: 5.1589375
Overall Rank: 5160
Posted: December 15, 2004 2:40 PM PST; Last modified: May 16, 2005 4:01 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.61 | 15-Dec-04/10:45 PM | Reply
I actually found this quite interesting and poetic although I have to wonder just exactly where it is supposed to be. I will read it again.
[7] Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.12 | 16-Dec-04/12:19 AM | Reply
Well I have read it a few more times and I still like it. So here a e few comments. There is an 'r' missing of their in "Thie energy for the Spring
" this stanza is the one I get least from incidentally. Possibly a hypen between cold and hard in "the cold, hard ground". Maybe a comma after dropped, in "where you dropped boots and all," then just after that commas after home, and soil.
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