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Corner Shop, 5 Quinton Road (Free verse) by Caducus
Ravaged by age arced away from skies pavement slabs roll until grey becomes green. Beneath the metal flag she enters the shelter, contorting as she sits, aped by girning monkeys Who love their Grandma’s. Every Tuesday she waits, for the 9.12 to Quinton Road. To hear her name spoken kindly by David in the corner shop. Tesco’s is nearer and cheaper, full of cantering blurs beeps and name wearing do-gooder’s who lower there tone for the crippled, calling her ‘love’ if she’s lucky. As she enters the corner shop the old bell rings and heater rattles David holds the door softly speaking her name: ‘Hello Doris’. She crooks her neck to look him in the eyes, to greet him properly. Then her eyes damson at a sign on the wall ‘closing down sale’.

Up the ladder: Worth

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.1666665
Weighted score: 5.313765
Overall Rank: 3548
Posted: December 6, 2004 2:27 AM PST; Last modified: February 25, 2005 3:17 AM PST
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Comments:
[9] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 | 6-Dec-04/9:16 AM | Reply
"damson" as a verb?
Some unusual and interesting language, "aped by girning monkeys," "cantering blurs," which needs a comma, I think.
"there tone" should be "their tones." Right?
The last verse lacks the punctuation of the first two.
Interesting!
[n/a] Caducus @ 172.212.169.203 | 25-Feb-05/3:19 AM | Reply
I'm such a bastard should i keep it open and add it to my woefully low 'happy' collection.
[9] INTRANSIT @ 64.12.116.67 | 25-Feb-05/6:41 AM | Reply
Well, you sent me to the dictionary. 3 points. I'm okay with girning and cantering, damson is a reach. 2 points. The construction is overall solid. 2 points.
The puntuation is good,somethings fishy about the opening line. Maybe a bit run on. It's also visually well balanced. 2 points. It's definitely worth "finishing".
[8] wilco @ 24.165.207.93 | 25-Feb-05/8:25 PM | Reply
Not your best by a long shot, but still pretty good.
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