on drum circle by <~>
16 Aug 2002, 1:53 PM
'lo. this is what i think. stanzas three and four weaken the poem and are unnecessary. crepusculation throws me off. it seems... forced? otherwise, some nice rhythm and phrasing. this poem could, in general, use a good tightening up. there are strong parts indeed, but which are overall weakened by unnecessary lines. i would call this a good, first (or second?) draft, me, in terms of the sort of revision which should be attempted here. contact me if you'd like further detail about this.
on close to you and can't be still by silvertongueddevil
14 May 2002, 2:16 PM
I am intrigued by the last stanza, but the first couple of lines (of first stanza) kill it for me.
on Sperm Donor Clown by ObiWonKn
10 May 2002, 3:03 PM
ha! funny poems are so rare.