How we found Jesus (Other) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - MORNING.
Baby-birds sing as cherry-tree blossoms cascade
down upon a dew-slick pathway that four young men
are slowly and deliberately meandering along.
None of them seem to be in any particular hurry.
All around, faculty and students mill about rushing.
As a Chapel bell tolls eight methodical dongs.
The young men abruptly stop to talk and smoke.
Oblivious to the others, the tallest in the bunch
yawns while looking for their sweet morning ritual.
MATHEW 24, begins to curse and clutch at his breast pockets.
MARK 21, LUKE 22, and ZEIK 19, watch with
a shared interest at his bitching and frustrated search.
I think I lost the joint.
Ah, than whatâs this?
Luke produces a joint from behind his ear.
Twirls it around, and has it in his mouth lit
before anyone can think to argue.
Thank you lord!
Let there be light.
And there was light.
And the light was good.
Gentlemen, prophets, faggots, and Zeik. Hereâs to
your health. Not to mention, Dr. Necroâs theology
class first thing in the morning.
For what can only be eternity.
Luke takes a huge hit then quickly passes it to Mathew.
(Still holding his breath and turning blue)
Did you guys know that marijuana helps your
immune system fight against fourteen known
strains of bacteria, and three variations
of the common cold Rhinovirus?
Mathew grabs the joint from Luke and pushes him backwards.
Thanks, Iâll remember that as Iâm dying from
lung cancer genius. Hereâs something even better
for you to chew on Mr. Head Shop Botanist.
(Turning to Zeik)
Could you light up a couple more cigarettes?
for Christâs sake.
(Back to Luke)
You ever wonder why when youâre trying to be
sneaky youâre a bust, but if you do it out in
the open with no fear, nobody ever takes notice?
Itâs almost magically invisible to do gooders.
Mathew hits the joint then passes it to Mark.
Mark takes a long drag then gives it to Zeik.
Who then hot boxes it as Mark closes his eyes
while holding his toke lost in shallow thought.
(Serious and curious)
As a matter of fact, yeah, why is that?
Simple, everyoneâs either in to much of a hurry,
or just to busy to care. The Irony is marrow less.
(Red eyed and zoning out)
No, my mother is moral less.
I thought she was dead?
(Zoning with joint)
She was. I mean is... that is.
"Is that is"? Whatever Hedley Smurf.
Luke takes the joint out of Zeikâs hand then tweaks
his nipple, and laughs sardonically while dancing a jig.
He then hilariously, and perfectly, does his best Jack Nicholson.
âYouâd better slow down kid.
Youâre beginning to make me a little dizzy.
If ya catch my meaningâ.
(Laughing with the others)
We better get outta here before Necro locks us out.
poach it and Roach it Luke.
Luke flicks the cherry off the roach and pockets it.
They head towards a very Gothicly - Masonic detailed building.
Complete with tarnished green copper arches and
chipped morphing ancient gargoyles.
CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING.
The guys enter Dr. Necroâs theology class about
five minutes late in single file.
Trying to be inconspicuous and very tiny,
they beeline it for their seats submissively.
All eyes are upon them as they enter and sit.
Especially Dr. Necro, who burns them alive with
his intense Ozzy Osborne stare.
He pulls down a rolling chart rigidly.
The chart has various instruments of torture
used throughout history.
Chronologically dated and complete with footnotes.
Several students swallow hard as Necro pulls out
his trusty famous warped maple wood pointer.
PAIN! Can be applied, and has been applied both very creatively and
quite often throughout written, and unwritten history. Notice.
Necro pauses for effect then viciously thwaps
the chart. Scaring most of the class high off of
their desk seats.
Two thousand years ago Jesus Christ of Nazareth
found that fact out first hand.
Would that be safe to say Mr. Lincoln?
Caught off guard while staring at a blond cheerleader
in the corner of the room blowing big hot pink bubbles
in oblivious well trained repetition.
Huh? I mean sure, give or take a year of course.
And which one of these devices --
Jubilently wacking the chart out of a need to Emphasize.
-- in front of us was used for these
The cross. He was crucified. Martyred by his people.
And what exactly does that symbolically mean to you
Mr. Mathew Lincoln 24, from Pasadena, California.
The third largest state in this great young free
nation of ours?
Mathew freezes up on the spot. Embarrassed,
time seems to slow down as he starts to sweat,
Stoned, and a bit paranoid he seems almost
reluctant to speak but then hesitantly does.
That I get to go to heaven?
Studentâs giggle and hoot in spontaneous defiant bursts.
Precisely, or hell for that matter.
If you believe there is such a place.
(Sinister yellow smile)
Then again, what if there is no where to go?
Just a silence filled void, minus all light.
The reciprocal of consciousness.
what then Mr. Kennedy?
Mathew relieved at having the spotlight temporarily
removed from himself looks over at Mark.
To see how he is going to handle this one off the
cuff ofmwhat is sure to be an immediate THC
Mark stares unblinking at the chart beside Mr. Necro
either too scared to answer, or just really high and daydreaming.
A patch of druel slowly collecting on his stained
collar. Luke, trying to help, kicks his leg hard
under his desk.
Ouch! Fuck me asshole!
Surprisingly pleased by his unlucky and confused target.
Collects himself for a manicured and condescending reply.
Yes, we might indeed be âfuckedâ as you most
eloquently put it post dribble.
A bit vague, but itâll do, for now.
Thanks a bunch dick.
Donât mention it Captain Salivator.
I would like to team the class up into seven groups
of four for your final assignment this semester.
Which coincidentally, will make-up 75% of your final grades.
Dr. Necro puts his pointer away in his desk,
and pulls hard on the chart sending it flying up
and spinning about itself cartoon like.
He continues on not missing a precious beat.
The task at hand? To discover Jesus, or any martyr
that is important to you spiritually for that matter,
'within yourselves', and to document the experience.
Using a story like structure for an oral and visual
presentation, but on film, or 'DVD', if you will.
It doesnât particularly matter to me as long as a
week from now we have some means, 'as a class', to
view your experiences here together visually,
Zeik raises his hand timidly, and a bit awkwardly.
Dr. Necro gives him a nod, okaying him to go ahead
and proceed with his most assuredly ridiculous question.
But what if we canât find Jesus?
A beat, then silence, Luke begins laughing,
the class follows in suit. Zeikâs eyes well up,
and his face goes beet red.
His knuckles turn white as he squeezes the sides
of his desk with a slight but noticable tremor.
Well Zeik, maybe youâll get lucky and heâll find
you. Or, you could always just man the camera.
Just donât hurt or over exert yourself or anyone
else for that matter.
CUT TO: A DARK IRISH PUB ON MAIN ST. LATE - NIGHT.
A television reporter is giving the latest update
on a high-speed chase in progress on the 5 freeway
heading south towards Mexico.
âApparentlyâ, she says. âDoing this is very trendy
now amongst the attention deprived and the bored.â.
Itâs now 1:30 AM that same day. In the pub Luke
and Zeik are perched at the bar watching the news.
Luke is getting drunk while Zeik eggs him on with
steady shots of Jaeger.
Mathew and Mark are throwing darts with a couple
of freshmen sorority sisters that have fake IDâs
and Catholic schoolgirl outfits on still.
From the all girl academy across from the College.
Visually, itâs a fantasy come true for all involved.
Just look at those two lucky bastards for the love of
God. Zeik, we should run and get the camera.
This could go amateur porn before the night is over.
He hiccups, and almost falls out of his seat trying
to smell himself while checking for a hint of body-odor.
My mom went to an all girls Catholic school.
He pauses, then eats a hand full of dyed BBQ peanuts.
She was never married though.
Dude, youâre starting to seriously concern me.
Takes a swig of beer and belches majestically proud.
Howâd you get here than? Star child,
Krishna Krishna, Rosemaryâs baby?
Coccooning with Steven Gutenberg?
My mom says an Incubus raped her.
You know Immaculate Conception.
The semen of God in the cupped hands of
the Holy Ghost.
(Deadpan to quirky smile)
Shit bros, thatâs pretty fucking dark.
Iâm sorry to hear that.
Motions to the bartender for more peanuts and their tab.
A dart hits the bull's-eye as half of the bar goes
nuts in shock and celebration.
Mathew has just thrown with his back to the board.
Mark grabs his head clearly blown away and drunk
then falls to his knees upon the peanut shelled floor.
UN FUCKING Believable!
Youâve been possessed by Robin Hood's gay aim.
I call the bet on grounds of divine intervention.
Sorry I just canât pay up on this hail Mary.
(Calm and collected)
Cough it up. Vente dollars por vavor mi amigo.
Gentlemen, never re-nig when impressing ladies.
Fine. But youâre buying the next round,
and the one after that and so on until graduation. --
He hands Matt the money, but clearly no longer impressed.
-- Unreal, that was the oddest thing Iâve ever
seen please smack me and call me Clementine.
They turn around and return to their booth.
The girls are thrilled by the attention of the
moment and are practically already in love.
You can see it in their eyes, and flirtatious posture.
I would have never guessed that you were so
talented, and smart too.
Can you hit anything you want anytime like that?
She reaches for his hand then gives him a kiss on
the lips. Matthew looks over at Mark with an
ear-to-ear piefaced grin.
(To his date shyly)
I taught him that one.
Pointing to the dart board matter of factly.
You must be a very gifted instructor
Do you teach just any one your moves?
Sarah starts to nibble upon Markâs ear and whisper
to him. Unseen by anyone, Mark mouths the wordâs
âthank you lordâ.
Luke walks up rubbing his eyes out of amazement and spite.
Iâm fucking starving drunk. You guys are starving to
fuck. And Zeik, might be the Antichrist.
So lets all compromise, and go to Dennyâs before
it's to late to care any more. --
-- Lights up a cigarette and blows a fat swirling halo.
So what do you guys say?
CUT TO: FADE IN: DENNYâS SIGN EARLY MORNING PRE-DAWN.
From outside you can see the entire entourage eating
while Zeik, and Luke, harass their squat tattooed
waitress âAliceâ, with bad Eskimo jokes.
Alice, stepping on Zeikâs foot, spills coffee onto
his arm abruptly and without any remorse or the
expected signs of concern.
GOOD Lordy, gracious me. Did I just do that?
Sir, I do apologize. I can be so clumsy when
I work a double.
Alice bends down and dabs a napkin in cold water
to apply to Zeik's arm. Zeik pulls his arm away
and offers her his other arm robotically emotionless.
Here, you missed the one I use to finger food your
twelve fatherless children through Special Ed at
the Rec. Center --
(Reading her name-tag)
What? Are you suppose to be intimidating,
or into that sick kinda cult
Shit? Fuck you kid, my two year old takes shits
scarier than you and your tv polluted imagination.
Alice flicks the napkin at him then burns his other
arm. She walks away snickering. Zeik jumps up and
runs into the bathroom shrieking.
Luke falls to the ground laughing and choking.
What the fuck Luke? That shit isnât funny.
He should sue that Eskimo cunt, and this bullshit
sit down version of a McDonalds for junior college
part time night students desperate for a higher
education in the field of Medical assistance. --
Raises his voice in the direction of her and the manager.
-- Youâd better go check on him?
His condition, remember?
What? Oh, yeah. Hee hee hey maybe youâre
right, He is a Hemophiliac after all.
(Getting the subtext)
I should go help him take his meds.
Luke takes off into the bathroom to tell Zeik the plan.
Boy, your friendâs are sure... odd.
Whatâs with the nihilistic attitude on the weird one?
Who Zeik? Nah, heâs fine.
He's no Nihilist, he's an closet case Athiest.
Heâs just gearing up to finally find Jesus.
Hey Matt, this is the last supper. Think about it.
Because tomorrow, and for two days after, we find
Jesus, and then duh duh duh da enlightenment upon Calvary.
In a way youâre kind of right, but if thatâs the case
than whoâs Judas, whereâs Pilot, and who all dies again?
Half amused by his own drunken inside stab at comedy.
So, youâre going to need your rest I guess, huh?
Sarah puts her hand on his lap under the table,
and smiles devilishly.
Yes siree. I think so, immediately.
Luke and Zeik return from the bathroom.
Zeik is elated.
The waitress returns back to the table with the
bill and some melting mints.
Well guys what should we do about the tipless Inuit?
(Picks up the bill)
Should I sue this fucking ugly dwarf, or the Denny's?
Decisions, decisions. I Know! How about we make
today my birthday.
Better yet, I think today is everybodyâs fucking Birthday.
Zeik hands the bill back to Alice. She catches a
glimpse of his blistering skin, and a darkness within
his eyes that she had strangely missed before.
Is that alright with you Alice? Or should we call in
the Jewish legal swat team to secure my new promise
land, and your old job, while I reduce this place to
a Winchell's donut shop?
Sure thing. Ah, I'll take care of it.
It was an accident I swear. Happy Birthday.
No harm no foul?
Youâre dismissed now.
(To the group)
Big day tomorrow fellows,
letâs call it a night 'fore light.
Luke, gets up grabs a mint and pulls is underwear out
of his ass. Gives Alice a big wet kiss before doing
a Daffy duck out the front door and into the night.
The others follow Lukeâs lead.
All kissing Alice Like their long lost aunt
bearing warm oatmeal cookies and milk.
The couples hold hands while leaving while Zeik gives
Alice the Evil-eye on his way out following the others.
They can hear Luke some ways ahead raving and
ranting away in the shadows, about mushrooms,
mountains, and inevitable salvation.
To be Continued.
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