Inside the brat ridden grotto I laid in my urine completely blotto. Saw a cute little kid writing his Xmas list Who asked his mama what was wrong with me, So I shouted to him ‘I’m a bit pissed’ ‘and I’m not Santa my names Alf and Santa don’t exist’. His Papa wrestled me to the floor As minimum wage elves laughed in the sleigh And through this savage beating and furore All I heard was ‘Monroe’s Santa Baby’ play. Blood trickled into nylon And before I collapsed I said ‘mince pie anyone’? A kindly policeman took me away To a warm whitewashed cell And full English breakfast on Christmas day. In the courtroom I changed my plea But the Judge never felt Christmassy He gave me 3 months at ‘her majestys pleasure’ And now in the shower rooms I’m Leroys new treasure, Who shouts ‘who’s your santa now white boy’ You are I say….you are Leroy.