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Mr. Jawharp Man (Free verse) by Sidekickboy
This house was built on a firm Foundation But the walls are quickly crumbling. Blinded brothers break their faces, All the while mumbling, "I tried to reach out and it nearly killed me." Self loathing, self pleasure, self pity, Self reliance is the way we're told. Everything but self control. All the while shaking our fists at King Jehoshaphat, Who's trying his hardest to save us from uncertain doom. Never knowing he nearly took Salvation from you. And you loathe parenthood, with the state it's at, You raise them as best you know, making sure they clean their rooms, All the while fearing they might become you. This house was built on a firm Foundation, But water pours in through the ceiling. And we drink it in like wine, And we're waiting for a feeling. It's poisoned and it's filthy, But we say "what no one knows won't kill me." So we give what we have and take what we can get, Hoping for that sensation that we never will forget. But we just grow callous and hard and numb, So we drink deeper, we plunge further. How will we remove this jagged knife? What are we, what will we, what have we become? Broken men gather, and you can hear a light murmer: This really isn't life. And so we dream the dream, Comatose as we may seem, And the walls will fall down if we should wake. Some are in a strange, inexplicable state, Wondering what it would take, Considering all that's at stake, Wondering if we should wake.

Up the ladder: prosepiece
Down the ladder: My Ideals

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Weighted score: 4.9525743
Overall Rank: 8822
Posted: April 5, 2004 9:17 AM PDT; Last modified: April 5, 2004 9:17 AM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 81.86.113.159 | 5-Apr-04/11:37 AM | Reply
Too many ws.
[n/a] Sidekickboy @ 64.109.244.69 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 5-Apr-04/3:52 PM | Reply
wAgreed. wBut whey, wwhatcha' wgonna wdo?
[8] zodiac @ 152.18.33.182 | 5-Apr-04/2:09 PM | Reply
"Self reliance is the way we're told" is poor wording.
The repetition of "All the while" is more irritating than interesting.
I would recommend not capitalizing the random religiousish words.
"Murmer" should be "murmur."
More importantly, I find this a supreme overstatement, a single idea refashioned about 30 minimally-different ways. I'd be interested in seeing how you would express the same idea in maybe 8 lines. Or how you'd fit more ideas into this (or a smaller) space. Take a look here for an idea of how that's done: http://www.poemranker.com/user-browse.jsp?id=2640
[n/a] Sidekickboy @ 64.109.244.69 > zodiac | 5-Apr-04/4:07 PM | Reply
A: Yes, the wording is unattractive and doesn't even seem like proper english, but it's very important to me to state it as a way of life.
2: I honestly didn't notice the repitition of that. Man, that bites grandmas.
Orange: It's very important to capitalize the "religiousish" words, because that's what especially has to be taken note of.
Tony Danza: I didn't notice the "murmer" thing either. Thanks.
Finally: It's actually not as overstated as you think. You just have to know what this is truly about. The two main stanzas are about entirely separate things, and they explore (perhaps in a nearly sermonic fashion) the important aspects which must be placed together to give the full picture. I highly doubt that anyone cares so much (nobody could be so bored), but I could explain it line by line if requested. Only the last stanza is truly repetitive.

There are views expressed in this piece that, although they may be clumsily conveyed, number too greatly to put into eight lines.
[8] zodiac @ 152.18.129.106 > Sidekickboy | 5-Apr-04/5:47 PM | Reply
Hey, you know what? Bow'ls.
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