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Wanderlust (1st Draft) (Free verse) by andrewjthomas
It’s the mist kissing Of overgrown forgotten fields Impotent for anything more than Dandelions and Foxtails Now content to lay dormant. And it’s the haunting call Of abandoned broken barns Made of splinters and rusted Tetanus That once housed the John Deere, and before that an Appaloosa. I feel it like the tug of a Tijuana street minor Tithing U.S. dollars with relentless devotion. It’s an Atlantic undertow off the coast of Del Mar; A grand sucker punch of Houdini proportion. It’s the day’s ride illusion Of mountain worn hills Eroded to all soft edges and shrubbery Quietly smoldering for new great heights. It’s the old black and white fable Discovered among the dust on Grandma’s attic chiffonier, A porcelain doll and her staunch mustachioed suitor Supposedly taken just days before the quake of nineteen o six. I want to feel the damp on my face, Smell the hay dust, and hear the grinding of eroded pebbles under foot. I want to witness two lovers lost in the rubble of a phoenix San Francisco. I’d give all my spare change to the mendigo for just the chance...

Down the ladder: beauty

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.6666667
Weighted score: 4.8410625
Overall Rank: 10700
Posted: February 16, 2004 8:23 AM PST; Last modified: February 16, 2004 8:23 AM PST
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Comments:
[9] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.174.207 | 16-Feb-04/3:41 PM | Reply
Quite good.. I think you could compact this and concentrate on the last two stanzas; I believe they have the most impact, the rest seems like filler-- but there are some nice parts which are worth remaking.

Just some suggestions/opinions, do whatever you like with it-- just don't get offended, whats the point?

Blessed with nine.
[n/a] Christof @ 217.44.77.166 | 17-Feb-04/9:11 AM | Reply
This is loads better, evocative, precise, yearning and not prosaic at all (if still a little verbose).
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