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Pre Dance Jitters (Concrete) by Butterflywriter
Pretty in pink, Red as roses, Blue as the sky, As golden as the sun, Walking down the stairs, At the bottom eyes are filled green with envy. Heart racing, palms sweaty, Not totally sure of anything, Suddenly, windows shattering, Things breaking, blood pouring everywhere. Shocked faces, pained expressions, They’re falling to the floor, fear on my face, Wishing I wasn’t here. Screaming, crying, Ignoring the pounding on the door. The wood cracking, Splinters going everywhere. Feet slamming down on the floor, Stops right in front of me, Holding a Magnum to my face, I look down at my pretty pink dress, With the rose red blood splattered everywhere, My blue eyes bleeding mascara, And my hair as golden as the sun. I remember these things and BOOM! The pistol is fired, I stare at him, with his grass green Eyes, as everything goes as black As the asphalt on the playground, on a hot summer day.

Down the ladder: a new notch

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 01
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.. 10
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Arithmetic Mean: 4.6
Weighted score: 4.9523187
Overall Rank: 8963
Posted: February 12, 2004 5:39 PM PST; Last modified: February 12, 2004 5:39 PM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] Christof @ 217.44.77.166 | 17-Feb-04/9:16 AM | Reply
Rockmage do you give everything a ten? Even when something is full of cliches, you praise it. Do you have any sense of critical distinction? Does this poem really make you feel the fear, terror etc of the narrator? If it did, it would deserve a ten. But it DOESN'T.
[7] zodiac @ 67.240.59.175 > Christof | 17-Feb-04/4:03 PM | Reply
Rockmage is one of the all-time great sympathizers. He has sympathized to the point of pure meaninglessness.
[6] MacFrantic @ 129.82.152.112 | 1-Feb-07/7:47 PM | Reply
Could be better. I'm really not a fan of this simplistic image structure that takes so many lines to say very little.
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