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The Beach

Member since 2003 · Posted 28 Dec 2003 · 3 comments

The sea and horizon met, beyond what I could see We stood ankle-deep, and watched the swallows seek the sky we waited an eternal moment, for the tide that could not come and turned our eyes to the swallow, who had reached the sun She held out her hand, and nearly made me smile I looked at tangled plants below, and walked towards the beach I did not say goodbye, I dared not look back but I still wonder if she knew, what dwelled beneath the sea

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mean 6.25 weighted 5.15 rank 5285 views 212 View voting details →

4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

3 comments

[9] Shuushin 29-Dec-03/5:03 AM Reply

Quite nice as is, but I kept wanting to reform it in my mind as I read - prolly cuz we haven't had one like it in a while.

lots of very common verbs, not sure if I like that (looked, turned, walked, watched) - dunno - i like it overall nonetheless.

[n/a] Evening › Shuushin 30-Dec-03/4:46 AM Reply

I do not think that common verbs are necessarily a bad thing.
Should I've used "gazed", "glanced", "strolled" or "wander" instead? That would be pointless as they do not bring anything to the poem just clutters it up. When it says "watched" I do mean watched not gazed or glanced, if I did I would have used another word instead.
I may sound a tad angry, but I am not, I actually value good critizism. The good as well as the bad

[7] MacFrantic 30-Nov-06/12:41 PM Reply

This has some good imagery, but the punctuation was lazy and it sounds like it should be shorter.