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The Beach (Free verse) by Evening
The sea and horizon met, beyond what I could see We stood ankle-deep, and watched the swallows seek the sky we waited an eternal moment, for the tide that could not come and turned our eyes to the swallow, who had reached the sun She held out her hand, and nearly made me smile I looked at tangled plants below, and walked towards the beach I did not say goodbye, I dared not look back but I still wonder if she knew, what dwelled beneath the sea

Up the ladder: Cancer

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Weighted score: 5.1490035
Overall Rank: 5295
Posted: December 28, 2003 11:12 PM PST; Last modified: December 28, 2003 11:12 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 29-Dec-03/5:03 AM | Reply
Quite nice as is, but I kept wanting to reform it in my mind as I read - prolly cuz we haven't had one like it in a while.

lots of very common verbs, not sure if I like that (looked, turned, walked, watched) - dunno - i like it overall nonetheless.
[n/a] Evening @ 192.38.235.83 > Shuushin | 30-Dec-03/4:46 AM | Reply
I do not think that common verbs are necessarily a bad thing.
Should I've used "gazed", "glanced", "strolled" or "wander" instead? That would be pointless as they do not bring anything to the poem just clutters it up. When it says "watched" I do mean watched not gazed or glanced, if I did I would have used another word instead.
I may sound a tad angry, but I am not, I actually value good critizism. The good as well as the bad
[7] MacFrantic @ 129.82.152.91 | 30-Nov-06/12:41 PM | Reply
This has some good imagery, but the punctuation was lazy and it sounds like it should be shorter.
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