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Love poem (on sense and experience) (Free verse) by thavimatola "The softest lips, the sweetest mouth
I kissed when I kissed you.
My hesitating fingers felt
Skin soft as morning dew.
And eyes have yet to fall upon
Hair of finger hue."
Poets tend to say such things
As if they weren't aware
That lips are often soft to touch
And young girls' skin is fair.
That time, a sink, and Clairol
Can tint most any hair.
I felt as if a train of comely girls
Not wearing any clothes
With long, red hair arranged in curls
From out my brain arose,
Came and kindled crack-pipes
And blew smoke up my nose.
For sense is not experience
As pigment isn't art,
And when I kiss your painted lips,
Though nerves have got their part,
It's really something else that shakes
My frightened, smitten heart.
Up the ladder:
Polar
Down the ladder:
Every Second, Waking Eternity
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 2.6666667
Posted: September 28, 2003 9:52 PM PDT; Last modified: September 28, 2003 9:52 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.72186 Overall Rank: 11891 Comments:
Something went wrong. It certainly is NOT suicide-related, and I wouldn't say it was sappy. Some might.
And you forgot to check "drug references".
(p.s. -2-)
Lots of good things here - just needs a touch more to hold it together for me.
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[_] AABBCC rhyming scheme
[X] About romantic love
[_] Arbitrary indentation
[_] Arbitrary line breaks
[_] Autobiographical but in the third person
[_] Braggadocious
[_] Clerical errors
[_] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.)
[_] Cliched adolescent metaphors of darkness for despair etc.
[_] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments
[_] Devoid of rhyme
[_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices
[_] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery
[_] Drug references
[_] Elves
[_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits'
[_] Insipidly whimsical or zany
[_] Leaving rant
[_] Lower case only
[_] 'Lyrics'
[_] Melodramatic
[_] Naively religious or superstitious
[_] Obsessed with femininity
[_] Overabundance of ellipses
[_] Overuse of Latinate words and/or convoluted sentence structures
[X] Pointedly unanswered questions
[_] Protagonist has a smug name
[_] Rage against the machine
[X] References to the author's 'social life'
[_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea
[_] Sanctimoniously moral
[X] Sappy
[X] Suicide-related
[_] Wish fulfilment