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A spectacular poem by a handsome man (Free verse) by <{Baba^Yaga}>
I had been sitting there waiting for what seemed like days. Next to me, naturally, was the most nauseating person imaginable. Her name was Beth, and she reminded me of an overweight beaver going blind out of sheer weight gain to the face. Apparently, this happens when the lard has nowhere else to go. Put it this way, at least she can't miss with eye drops. Due to the funnel action of her coalishly pinched twin sink holes. And that voice, for fucks sake, it takes one a month just to get the feeling back in their souls after having conversed with this mentally slow deplorable abomination. I fucking hate lectures, especially poetry lectures. You've never seen a group of more miserable wretches. That oxygenated fruit, those little plastic cups. Cheap red wine, and sweaty pseudo handshakes. Built around bad recollections of pointlessly remembered quips about the struggles at the local buffet and salad bar by hopelessly boring old farts. God, I'm going to pass out, face first on the grandma in the folding chair in front of me, I know it. Wait a minute... HERE HE COMES! The reader is approaching the podium to speak. Here it comes, he's about to deliver his poetry to the auditorium. Thank god. Thank GOD! "This poem is a piece from my first book some many years ago". He states, matter of factly. "Gosh, he's a handsome son of a gun", Beth says. An old woman around eighty five years of age spins around and hushes Beth, with the know how of what could only be years of child rearing skill with little money, and even smaller plucked penciled in eyebrows. The poet continues... "This poem I call, Ode to a songbird. You songbird with hindsight. You sound just as the warm night. You sing songs of Joy. You turn me to boy. Oh, song bird, oh songbird Oh, song bird... Your song." He ends by staring up at all of us as if pleading with the crowd to hear it with him. To join him in his tribute to mundane awareness. The crowd applauds vigorously. People stand and thrust their approvals all about like a pack of copasetic lemmings. Beth, is weeping, and repeating over and over again how spectacular it was, and how selfless and handsome the poet seems. I, however, am petrified by disbelief and shock. That was it? That was fucking it? My eyebrow spontaneously twitches uncontrolably. I'm also convinced I'm on a tv show. Except, that's impossible because that would mean somehow my suffering finally payed off in the form of a mental collapse of the highest imaginable order, and i'm not that lucky, ever. On the way home I have the sudden urge to cross lanes and end it all, but then a song comes on the radio I like a lot, and I remember that there is a joint in the glove box. I know that there are people out there that might say I'm a pothead or a lazy stoner, but trust me when I say, "If it wasn't for some kind herb, here and there, accompanied by a long drive through the night? I wouldn't be able to tolerate the conservative majority. Let alone the ones that actually think they can write. So if that's you, do me a favor. Quit pretending and start.

Up the ladder: His Master's Jodhpurs
Down the ladder: Idiot Box

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
10  .. 137
.. 21
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10
.. 00
.. 10
.. 01
.. 01
.. 34

Arithmetic Mean: 7.0285716
Weighted score: 7.027891
Overall Rank: 213
Posted: September 27, 2003 10:54 PM PDT; Last modified: September 27, 2003 11:10 PM PDT
View voting details
[10] SupremeDreamer @ | 28-Sep-03/1:09 AM | Reply
amen. and heres a 10.

hang the song bird
[10] baphomet @ | 28-Sep-03/11:51 AM | Reply
we are the knights who say kni

[8] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ | 28-Sep-03/5:12 PM | Reply
Wait, are you saying you actually went to a poetry reading place? What did you expect?
[10] horus8 @ > ?-Dave_Mysterious-? | 30-Sep-03/3:40 PM | Reply
Hardly Dave, it's purely fiction.
[8] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ > horus8 | 30-Sep-03/4:24 PM | Reply
I once saw this thing on TV where some bloke went to a poetry evening pretending to be an aspiring new poet, then when it was his turn he just started counting indefinitely to see how far he could get. It was awesome.
[10] horus8 @ > ?-Dave_Mysterious-? | 30-Sep-03/4:46 PM | Reply
I agree, that sounds incredibly delightful.
[10] Bill Z Bub @ | 28-Sep-03/5:56 PM | Reply
Hilarious and somewhat bitter. Ten.
[n/a] Joe-joe @ > Bill Z Bub | 30-Sep-03/3:16 PM | Reply
This one had me going until the last may not have crashed the car but your reference to "the consevative majority" (do you mean the "moral majority") was totally out of context the end...sent this fine piece of work into a deadly tailspin. (was a 9...ended up a 6 1/2)
[10] horus8 @ > Joe-joe | 30-Sep-03/3:38 PM | Reply
No Joe, I meant conse'r'vative majority. you know, the idiots that elected Bush? Republicans mostly, old fucks? You understand? Golfers, retirees, policeman balls? I wouldn't give them the benefit of refering to them as being any where near to "moral" and in the future Joe, if you are going to quote me? learn how to fucking spell. Otherwise, you make me look bad Joe, got that? ""Consevative"", is not what I said, so don't put it in quotes, Idiot. Also; your vote and opinion mean about as much to me as both the conservative majority and the moral majority, and that would be absolutely 0 joe, but thanks for trying.
[10] purplestain @ | 1-Jan-04/6:12 PM | Reply
very interesting and hilarious. i would like to meet the handsome poet though--10
[10] Shade_dreamer @ | 16-Jan-04/7:05 AM | Reply
Speaking from the majority pretending conservitive right. HELL YA!

I like it. its honest.
[n/a] Blue Magpie @ | 22-Jun-05/9:54 PM | Reply
I suggest you go and live in Myanmar for a year or two.
[9] leonxic @ | 12-Aug-06/6:09 PM | Reply
Not fucking bad. Entertaining. 9.
[n/a] Lenore @ | 16-Oct-17/2:07 PM | Reply
You had me at "coalishly pinched twin sink holes."
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