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Curiously here (Free verse) by philthegreek
What is it that makes me go back To that place where moss grows And no one lives except the memory Etched deep in my brain of a sunset long ago When water tasted sweet and the Sun Was warm on my back and a young fresh girl Was in my arms and all we did was make love And talk and wonder what we would be doing when We were old and grey Came the day and it is difficult to see the Man that was the boy so much has disappeared How much of me is he and she is her and where In the time gone by did we lose ourselves and become What we are now. I'm curious.

Up the ladder: i gotta sign
Down the ladder: The Geek

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.142857
Weighted score: 4.5005374
Overall Rank: 12802
Posted: September 3, 2003 11:41 AM PDT; Last modified: September 3, 2003 11:41 AM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] abecedarian @ 4.40.32.229 | 3-Sep-03/12:12 PM | Reply
i enjoyed "old and grey/ came the day"
[2] J.B. Manning @ 129.44.35.24 | 3-Sep-03/1:02 PM | Reply
hmmm. I'd say that this poem made me feel like nothing at all...just.............
[4] sliver @ 198.81.26.109 | 3-Sep-03/4:19 PM | Reply
Personally I enjoyed the part about the fresh young girl,other than that, well...
[6] richa @ 81.178.237.184 | 4-Sep-03/7:53 AM | Reply
Its ok up to half way, then it loses its meter at 'old and grey' and nothing really happens
[5] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 4-Sep-03/8:41 AM | Reply
this has a nice start, but ye gods! all the extra words!

can glean away some of the little words, to make it cut with a sharper edge?

and, the ending feels like a bit of a cop-out after that details you gave at first.

this has a lot of potential, especially since you have grasped the idea that specific details make a poem real.
[n/a] philthegreek @ 212.159.107.13 > <~> | 4-Sep-03/10:07 AM | Reply
Thanks for the constructive comments :D
131 view(s)




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