You were lost to me Long before I saw you first. I should have known But fell anyway... It was a delicious risk I'd do it again In a heartbeat. There will of course be the memories of your eyes and lips - Your arms that were just long enough to wrap around me And keep all regrets and failures at bay - A safety in the focused thought Of your smell and Of your warmth And of the dreams you brought of Peace and Joy... But I - Am Chaos. And you were lost to me Long before I tasted your lips. I wonder if you can vividly recall How mine taste. And if you long... As much as I do. Or if you can only call to mind - The long string of disappointments I've strewn across your path... So that the laughter we shared is some faint echo in the recesses of distant memory. I am - Discord I am - Instability I am... Human. And you will always be just beyond reach... But I couldn't have changed a thing... The doom was out of my hands. And you were lost to me Long before I was lost in you. I am - Failure. I realize now my every action Hurts and Betrays you. It's in my nature... And despite everything - I wouldn't wish you harm. My thoughts and memories hold The greatest of sorrows and regret. I know now that the best way - Is to stay away... And that this will bring you a better chance - For Peace For Happiness For Sanity. You were lost to me anyway. The pieces were already set - For me to lose. There will be long days And quick days - Days where it seems the rain will never end... Days when I'll stare at you for hours Imagining you kissing me. Days when you show me Something more - Than anger or indifference. And perhaps one day My love for you Will no longer be A bruise in the core of my heart Or a lump in the back of my throat. When I can remember the goodness - And smile at a happier time. But there will be no silly dreams Of fairy tale weddings... And family. It's clear to me now You were lost to me Long before I was lost to you. I am - Disappointment I am - Regret And I am... Sorry. 5-18-03 --