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Saturn (Free verse) by david      A father bribes her
with a yellow-white brooch
(striped enamel, diamond,
and ten glittery baguettes)
dangling in a black velvet case.
She stretches up for the honey-pale token, to pin it
on her blouse, over a heart lit like a jack-o'-lantern.
But Saturn lumbers off
with its curio cloudbank,
sky-tethers the icy shoal
elsewhere, padding round
an orbit, just
out of reach.
Up the ladder:
On The Floor of the Hospital
Down the ladder:
Ohio's Dirty Natives
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.2
Posted: August 27, 2003 11:26 PM PDT; Last modified: August 27, 2003 11:26 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.1430435 Overall Rank: 5381 Comments:
[8]
<{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.126.113.154
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27-Aug-03/11:57 PM
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Reply
Touch and go, almost there.
hrmm.. this is good.. just needs a bit of a tweak.. ill be brave, why not.. you can just shoot me if you think im suggesting something evil:
Father bribes her with a yellow-white brooch (striped enamel, diamond, and ten glittery baguettes that dangle in a black velvet case.) She stretches up for the honey-pale token, to pin it onto her blouse, over a heart lit like a jack-o'-lantern. But Saturn lumbers off with its curio cloudbank, sky-tethers the icy shoal elsewhere, padding round an orbit just out of reach. ---- Not much changing.. just a lil touch up in presentation.. youll have to do any other spicing up yourself... i only do slight facelifts. Work on this, if you do it well ill give ya a nine.. for now, ill give you an 8. 188 view(s)
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