SupremeDreamer28 Aug 2003

hrmm.. this is good.. just needs a bit of a tweak.. ill be brave, why not.. you can just shoot me if you think im suggesting something evil:

Father bribes her with a yellow-white brooch
(striped enamel, diamond, and ten glittery baguettes
that dangle in a black velvet case.)

She stretches up for the honey-pale token,
to pin it onto her blouse, over a heart lit like
a jack-o'-lantern.

But Saturn lumbers off with its curio cloudbank,
sky-tethers the icy shoal elsewhere, padding round
an orbit just out of reach.
----

Not much changing.. just a lil touch up in presentation.. youll have to do any other spicing up yourself... i only do slight facelifts.

Work on this, if you do it well ill give ya a nine..
for now, ill give you an 8.