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The War and Dance of The Undertaker (Other) by OnTheOtherHand
The body can be so cruel to the mind, But the brain has its own way of being unkind That iron will, so long lived but slowly sapped, They saw it fading, in your eyes, on your shoulders. They knew you were being ripped apart as your walls fell, Your own body slowly tearing down every defense. Your wick was dry and they saw this. They offered sprinklings of oil to keep the flame alive, But it was dead, choking, flickering before them, In that painful dance put on in trials of escape. They were doing their own dance to a different song. While Time and Death were doing a too slow waltz with you They danced on quick feet holding the hands of Hope and Fear. They heard sweet music while you listened to the tic of time. But now you can rest in your silent cove. Forever more, in the tranquil dark, you may lie. Peace and hope are now yours, pension for your chores. On to sleep, I lay you down, with grass blankets and soil crown. The armistice begun and treaties signed, Reform your bond of body and mind.

Up the ladder: Rude Awakenings
Down the ladder: Joe is Dead Now

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.2
Weighted score: 5.1430435
Overall Rank: 5371
Posted: July 15, 2003 2:59 AM PDT; Last modified: July 19, 2003 6:14 AM PDT
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Comments:
[7] DreamerSupreme @ 204.31.161.97 | 15-Jul-03/3:08 AM | Reply
"Your own body slowly tearing down every defence."
Defense.

Like the theme, but the dance bit seems over done, plus this needs a face lift. it doesn't make me feet shuffle in quick irish foot taps.. blessed with 7
[n/a] OnTheOtherHand @ 216.138.10.3 > DreamerSupreme | 15-Jul-03/3:11 AM | Reply
Yeah it's just a quick draft.

I'm going to get some rest then run a spell check and redraft.

Thanks. :)
[7] DreamerSupreme @ 204.31.161.97 > OnTheOtherHand | 15-Jul-03/3:18 AM | Reply
No Problem. Check out me latest sword carvings:

Memoirs of a Monk - St. Screamer
Aluminum Xena - Prima Ballerina

and bless me with your suggestions/comments/votes/ or death threats. ;D
[7] richa @ 81.86.238.125 | 15-Jul-03/3:47 AM | Reply
some nice lines 'pension for your chore' etc but rather a lot of plain narrative to tell the story. Much to commend though
[n/a] OnTheOtherHand @ 216.138.10.3 > richa | 15-Jul-03/3:49 AM | Reply
Thanks. I hope you'll read it after I edit it :D
[n/a] OnTheOtherHand @ 216.138.10.3 > richa | 19-Jul-03/6:15 AM | Reply
I took out two stanzas that didn't add anything much. They didn't really work any way.

Hope you like it better now.
[n/a] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.126.113.154 | 15-Jul-03/8:34 PM | Reply
"While Time and Death were did a slow waltz with you" What the fuck does that mean?
[n/a] OnTheOtherHand @ 216.138.10.3 > <{Baba^Yaga}> | 19-Jul-03/6:04 AM | Reply
It means I was tired :P
[8] The_Third_Isis @ 24.126.113.154 | 17-Sep-03/10:55 PM | Reply
I love poe..and excuse me theres that crow peking on my window..TSK.
The Third Isis
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